Generally, these reflect an attempt to set the articles to music, rather than my personal opinion.
Tune
of I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas (updated January 2, 2017)
I
want a meteorologist for Christmas
One
who’ll bring the weather that I want
Don’t
want too cold
And
don’t want too warm
I
want a meteorologist who keeps temps at the norm
I
want a meteorologist for Christmas
Who
won’t pile on an even colder front
Don’t
need him to make
December
skies real bright
I
need him to fill Santa’s path
With
stuff that’s snowy white
I
need one who makes Christmas turn out right
On the likelihood - brought up by commenters - that a
coordinated holiday effort to panhandle was a scam (in A Metropolitan Diary
entry, “Not Strangers on a Train," linked in New York Today):
Tune of FELIZ NAVIDAD
Deceit Navidad!
Deceit Navidad!
Deceit Navidad!
I guess it does seem a little odd
Deceit Navidad!
Deceit Navidad!
Deceit Navidad!
If it’s a trick, they must earn a wad
(2x)
Cause when they both shouted Merry Christmas
Cause when they both shouted Merry Christmas
Cause when they both shouted Merry Christmas
You responded with your heart
Repeat Navidad!
Repeat Navidad!
Repeat Navidad!
I guess it does sound a little odd!
Tune of Baby It's Cold Outside
- (verse 1)
You kids should stay in
(But Mama, it's SantaCon)
It's frigid as sin
(Mama, it's SantaCon)
Okay but keep warm
(We'd hoped for a storm)
Get home by two
(But right now flurries, they will do)
- (verse 2)
Perhaps a nice scarf
(Mama, it's SantaCon)
Make sure not to barf
(Guess she knows it's SantaCon)
Okay now get gone
But be good at SantaCon
On the column’s Frosty and Friends snow forecast that “Your
time here will come, but perhaps not until next year”
Tune of Send in the Clowns
Isn’t it warm
Is winter here?
But all the rooftops and roads
Are way too clear
Where are the plows?
Send in the plows
Shouldn’t it storm?
I don’t approve
Cars should be covered in snow
Where they can’t move
Where are the plows
There ought to be plows
All the reports
Called for some frost
We didn’t mind what the work for the cleanup would cost
Flurries had taunted us all as they flew through the air
We hoped for more
No more was there
Isn’t life rough
I shed a tear
Snowmen depend on that stuff for our career
And where are the plows
There ought to be plows
Well not ‘til next year
Freddie New York NY December 8 2016
I love that idea of that ski slope allowing a free ski Sunday if
you dress as Santa!
Tune of Free to Be You and Me
There's a place that's near us
We can get there by bus
And the thing they discuss
Is the cost won't make you fuss
But this rule may give pause
You must dress as Mr. Claus
To join in the bargain revelry
It's a land
Where the skiers you see
Look so grand
Red and round as can be
Since we planned
To dress properly
Then you and me
Are free to ski
Ski for free
Regarding the “And Finally” section of the article about this
day having the earliest sunset of the year
Tune of Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas
Have yourself a very early sunset
At four twenty eight
Don't be scared if people seem to get irate
Have yourself a very early sunset
Feel that axis tilt
Like our hair, our blossoming may start to wilt
If you're trying to take this down
Scholars break this down and say:
When you're trying to catch the rays
Fate may snatch the rays away
In two weeks there'll be the winter solstice
But don't have a cow
By that day New Yorkers will adjust and how
Hey have yourself a very early sunset now
About the Hudson Conservatory for undersea life
Tune of Under the Sea
The undersea life is singing
Up there on your movie screens
With music they're always bringing
To oldsters and teens and tweens
But we're into conservation
Yes that is the tune we hum
Heck we got a nomination
From Brooklyn's Aquarium
Near NYC
Near NYC
There is a very
Great sanctuary
Cool as can be
So won't you all come to immerse
Yourself in a place so bio-diverse
Come help our mission
Sign our petition
Help, NYC!
If you try to get through midtown traffic, then you know which
New Yorker has gotten us closer together.
Tune of Here Comes the Rain Again
Here comes his plane again
Flying overhead bringing misery
Bringing traffic jams to the heart of midtown
I want to walk on Fifth Avenue
I want to window shop at Gucci
I want to cab home to the East Side
(Is that OK with you?)
So please move to D.C.
Like others do
Spend more time in D.C.
Like others do
Here he comes again
Cars can't move again
On the Mayor and his sudden frequent use of the city’s police helicopter
to get places.
It's a beautiful day for a chopper ride, after all.
Tune of Fly Me to the Moon
Fly me off to Queens
That is the place I have to be
Can't you see what traffic's like
There on the B-Q-E
In other words, I am late
In other words, get here quickly
Fill that tank with fuel
And put it on the city's dime
I don't do this often
But I must get there on time
In other words, don't ask why
In other words
In other words
In other words
I gotta fly
Holiday music in the spirit of giving a dog as a gift to kids
without asking their parents!!
Tune of Mary, Did You Know
Human, do you know
That I cost real dough
For feeding and for training
Human, do you know
That I need to go
Although it might be raining
Do you know
Though it seems like kids would love me as a gift
Don't give me without asking
Or their parents will be miffed
(bridge)
I need to walk
And need to eat
Need lots of time, you bet
But in return
You can not beat
The love that you will get
Human, do you know
In the spirit of Giving Tuesday, the event for Tuesday after
Thanksgiving created by the 92md Street Y:
Tune of YMCA
Run, man
We are passing the plate
I say run, man
Watch as we innovate
We're not done, man
We created a date
To be part of the solution
Run, man
Have you had some good luck
You'd be stunned, man
That most others are stuck
With no fun, man
Help them out with a buck
A fun day to make a contribution
Come make your day at the YMHA
Hear what we say at the YMHA
We are helping the world
While we help ourselves
A Jewish version of Santa's elves
Repeat: YMHA,
hear what we say at the YMHA, etc.
Regarding that record-setting “Hamilton” gross for Thanksgiving
week: Already a great show and add to it the national news it had made the
weekend before when VP-Elect Pence was at the show!
Tune of The Room Where it Happens from “Hamilton”
We all were there for the boos when they happened
The boos when they happened
The boos when they happened
That got the world to shmooze when it happened
To shmooze when it happened
To shmooze when it happened
With the note it got from the Prez-Elect
It's the gross we'd expect
‘Cause the last time we checked
Big news when it happened
We all saw the boos when they happened
A song to help get through the noisy times with the noisy
radiators.
Tune of Fascinating Rhythm
Radiator racket
You squeal and hiss away
Radiator racket
It isn't pretty
I just wanna smack it
It's been like this all day
Should I get my jacket
And roam the city
It's like a firecracker went off
In a stupor,called the super
His spouse said turn the stupid vent off
I did that
I get sort of cranky
When dealing with the sound
If the unit's clanky
And really noisy
Though the room is steamy
My head begins to pound
Wish my folks could beam me
Back home to Joisy
Oh, how I long to live with some tranquility
Radiator racket
This noise may not be for me
A hope for tolerance for people who just look at the holiday
store windows but can’t afford to shop.
Tune of Doggie in the Window
How much does it cost to see your window
The one with the real great design
How much does it cost to see your window
I hope that just looking is fine
You see us standing there for hours
We haven't got hundreds to spend
We look through clear skies and through showers
But your shop is kind of high end
How much does it cost to see your window
The one with the stunning display
Your guard tries to chase us from your window
You tell him just looking
You tell him just looking
You tell him just looking is okay!
As they said on NY1 on TV, the Thanksgiving Parade balloon of
Felix the Cat may be 90, but doesn't look a day over 89.
Tune of Felix the Cat theme song
Felix is back
I love when an oldie comes back
Whenever something feels real old
Let's call it a classic and I am sold
Felix is back
He's old but hey who's keeping track
You'll cheer so much
You'll shout hooray
He'll be the best float in the pack
Watch for Felix
Glad an oldie is back!
Good luck trying to avoid that topic of the election at
Thanksgiving dinner!
Tune of Over the River and Through the Woods
Over the Donald and through with Mike?
At my mother's house, no way
We know the Prez
And weird stuff he says
Will dominate the day
Hey!
Over the Donald and through with Mike?
Good luck as we take our seats
We'll watch each word
As we carve the nice bird
We got from Dickson’s Meats
And we’ll try to ignore Donald's tweets!
Jingle Bell Nosh
Tune of Jingle Bell Rock
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell nosh
Jingle bell mood means jingle bell food
Padding and adding is such a cliché
And it peaks around New Years Day
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell nosh
Jingle bell treats and jingle bell sweets
Thanks to the time it has gotten too dark
To run in the park
So get going
Indoor rowing
Can bring good health your way
A water cycle
Or Nordic hike'll
Make sure that extra baggage will not stay
Sweat a lot, get a lot closer to fit
Go play or eat some squash
If working out makes you chomp at the bit
Skip the jingle bell, skip the jingle bell
Skip the jingle bell nosh
From the category “bad taste protest songs,” regarding the
removal of the Trump name from those Riverside buildings on the West Side:
Tune of Down by the Riverside
We're gonna take off the Donald's name
140 Riverside
160 Riverside
180 Riverside
We're gonna take off the Donald's name
Right here on Riverside
Right here on Riverside
They don't wanna honor him any more
They don't wanna honor him any more
They don't wanna honor him any more
They don't wanna honor him any more
They don't wanna honor him any more
They don't wanna honor him any more
Right here on Riverside!
Therapy dogs to cope with the election sound like a good idea!
Tune of Que Sera Sera
(from the perspective of a upset voter)
When we elected Mr. Trump
I asked my doggie what lies ahead
Should we be moving or just stay put
Here's what my doggie said
Hey so what, so what?
There's no need to be distraught
Now let's see the food you bought
Hey so what, so what?
Let’s just eat and eat!
When we were watching all those Trumps
When they were talking on C-B-S
I asked my dog if he had advice
He barked and told me yes
Hey so what, so what?
What they said to Lesley Stahl
Will change soon, so throw the ball
Hey so what, so what?
Let's just play and eat!
Hey so what, so what?
Just in fun: Regarding protest after the election, a take on a
great protest song.
Tune of The Hammer Song
If I had twitter
I'd twitter early morning
And twitter every evening
To get the word through
I'd twitter of pundits
And twitter of freedom
And twitter of love for all the voters in the red states
And some of the blue
I'd twitter of pundits
And twitter of freedom
And twitter of love for all the voters in the red states
And some of the blue
Ooh ooh
Tune of That's Amore
(verse 1)
When the moon's perigee
Is as close as can be
That's this morning
Yes that cool Supermoon
Will be making us swoon
That's this morning
(verse 2)
If I missed it today
When will it come my way
Like this morning
Hope I last all the years
Until it reappears
Close to home
Then I'll try not to snooze
And I'll hope then the news
Gives me warning
We"ll say wow
Holy cow
Eighteen years from right now
What a morning!
I loved the story about the wall of subway sticky Post-It notes
for catharsis after the election!
Mister Post-It
Tune of Please Mr. Postman
Yes I'll take a minute, Mister Post-It
That is so great, Mister Post-It
Hey Mr Post-It, glad you care
So please point me to an empty square
Thanks for saving a subway wall
To let me scrawl this primal call
I'm now standing here writing, Mr. Post-It
Cathartically
I've got a note just a bit bitter
And even if it winds up in the litter
So let me hate a minute, hate a minute
Thanks, Mister Post-It!
Tune of Get Happy
(a somewhat peppy reflection on the times)
Protect your bubble, come on get scrappy
Next big election is far away
They stuck it to ya so make it snappy
You'll head off a Begrudgement Day
The air's forbidding, but just be happy
Your work is steady, you won't get canned
So look no kidding this may sound sappy
We’re not the same across the land
Were looking at the Tower
We know who is inside
He's from our city
But will he bring us pride
(repeat from beginning)
About the streets full of protestors
Tune of Autumn in New York
Order in New York
At times we do love the quiet
Order in New York
At times we’d just rather riot
Tensions run high and you could just sigh
And stay in and hide
And take it in stride
Not now
Decorum in New York
Not when stakes seem to climbing
Decorum in New York
Sometimes you must fill the street
That is sometimes the way to say
How we love the USA
So order in New York
Sometimes that just means defeat
I appreciated the idea of upset folks focusing on the holidays
after the election. But I tried to put on holiday music and this is what I
heard.
The Little Trumper Boy
I donned a real light coat
Ta rump ump ump ump
Went to the line to vote
Ta rump ump ump ump
The line went down the block
Ta rump ump ump ump
This morning I'm in shock
Ta rump ump ump ump
Trump ump ump ump
Trump ump ump ump
Election Day tribute to Rose Orbach, the voter who lived to 104,
and never missed a chance to vote for so many decades.
Tune of The Rose
Some say great, it is a texter
Who stirs up many fears
Some say great, tt is a talker
Who brings unneeded tears
Some say great, it’s an inciter
Whose threats cause noisy cheers
I say great, it is this voter
Who votes for sixty years
If the night goes into morning
And the end stays out of reach
If you think it is a warning
There'll be no concession speech
Still remember though it's secret
So we won't ask who she chose
She gave love with every ballot
So today we honor Rose
Even today, on Election Day. I can't resist a Madonna song cue.
Madonna tries to convince the swing states. Or at least the
undecided in NYC at her concert. :)
Tune of True Blue
I've done other shows
They were packed, goodness knows
But this one here is short and sweet
Tell your friends
Go ahead and tweet
So here in this city park
Before it gets too dark
If you plan to vote Trump and Pence
Madge will tell you no that does not make sense
And it's
Blue love
Hil's the one we sing of
Her pantsuit will fit like a glove
You gotta vote
True blue
Turn a red state blue
Red to blue
The reporters say they’ve left us on our own for the evening
commute? Even with the time change
having just brought the darkness so early?
Tune of Sunny Side of the Street
Watch your watch and hold your hat
Stay alert while you are traveling
Things should go your way
In the sunny part of the day
If you see a subway rat
That won't get your trip unraveling
All will be okay
In the sunny part of the day
But then at four forty five
See the darkness arrive
Commute takes a dive
Too early
So I'm surly
My internal thermostat
Makes me shudder with such terror
Can't my workday stay
In the sunny
Sunny part of the day
My salute to the time change, by way of a Barry Manilow tune.
Tune of Daybreak
(sung very peppy and upbeat)
Grumbling on the net
Why does it get darker so fast
Night time comes too fast
I'm mumbling and upset
Wishing that the sunlight would last
But the day has passed
We get that extra hour
So goes the hype
Then things go sour
I start to type
Where's the daylight
My commute is now hell
I want daylight
I go on Facebook and yell
Give me daylight
My friends say L-O-L
You always whine whine whine
Like this every year
You always whine whine whine
Like this every year
(You'll be fine next week, sing it, sing it)
Regarding the end of the brick and mortar bookstore era in the
Bronx
Tune of Love and Marriage
Brick and mortar
Brick and mortar
You seem to prefer an online order
Folks just camp out reading
While our red ink is really bleeding
Brick and mortar
Brick and mortar
Yikes another disappointing quarter
If you don't buy buster
Our sales will always be lackluster
Try try try some spending, honey
Sorry to say it
That is why we can't spend money
Though Saks will pay it
Brick and mortar
Brick and mortar
Folks prefer a soulless online sorter
Yes there is resenting
But they don't buy
No they don't buy
It feels like what they love is venting
Mashing up the Donald exaggeration item with sweet Charity being
on the November must-see shows list.
Tune of Hey Big Spender
The minute we walked in the place
We could see you were a man of distortion
A real big talker
Inventive, falsified
Some call it hyperbolic but we say that you lied
So let us cut right to the chase
Why misrepresent when everyone can see
Hey big talker
Hey big talker
Talk a bit more honestly
Couldn't think of anything as funny as the jokes in that day’s
column. So I did a “goodbye to the last NYC dairy” tribute. And since I've been obsessed with
getting good Hello Dolly tickets:
Tune of So Long Dearie
Were making with the tears
And saying so long Dairy
Sorry that the market changed and how
Though the news has made some folks concerned and wary
I'm not crying as you take your bow
Because they say you're not so great for our health
There is a wealth of info now
(big finish)
So though your reasons feel a little bit defensive
And this news makes dairy even more expensive
Still the hike won't make me all that apprehensive
But now when I say so long
In this little song
Yes now when I say so long
I won't have a cow
The “Grease” costume sing-along in the columnc sounds tempting,
especially with people coming as the Presidential candidates.
Tune of Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee
Look at me, I'm Hillary
Ghostly with transparency
Everyone says I am gonna be Prez
The polls say Hillary
Watch it chump, I'm Donald Trump
Got an unexpected bump
Thanks to some guy at the fool F-B-I
A jump for Donald Trump
Darling, darling, you look fine
Wear your suit
Go as Jill Stein
Johnson is there
But New Yorkers don't care
They’ll vote Trump or Hillary
If Tony clothes are on topic, a salute to Bette in Hello Dolly,
the Diva who will likely have the best Tony outfit this year.
Tune of Put On Your Sunday Clothes
Put on your Tony gown
This time you'll get the prize
You own it way before you even start
With every ad excitement really multiplies
That statuette
Named for Antoinette
Will go right to Bette for this part
Put on your Tony gown
It's a word to the wise
Your ace director will not let you down
With your great chorus
Your perfect Horace
You'll be the toast of the town
Cause it's no baloney
Get your Tony gown
Who knew the brown rats were a good thing? The scientists knew, apparently!
Tune of Thank God I'm a Country Boy
Each ride is a thriller filled with suspense
‘Cause using the subway is happily tense
So glad the brown rats come to our defense
Thank god for the city rat
Named all wrong as if they're from Norway
But don't expect politeness when they're in a doorway
Still they keep worse rodents from coming your way
Thank god for the city rat
They push out new pests and the fights ain't pretty
If new strains come in they show no pity
Just ask the doctors on the research committee
Thank god for the city rat
Catching up on the Second Ave Subway’s progress. Does that mean
it is on schedule but just not ready to be used by year-end?
Tune of Downtown
Progress is steady and the subway is ready
But you cannot get
Downstairs
Everything's running and the stations are stunning
Just you cannot get
Downstairs
We promised to be finished by the last day of December
Nothing is diminished just as long as you remember
You can't get in yet
So give us some time til spring
You waited so long ten weeks more will not mean a thing
Once you're downstairs
It will be great when you're downstairs
Don't say we're late when you're downstairs
Q will be waiting for you
Hoping for a moderately comfortable temperature for Halloween
Tune of White Christmas
(using a holiday tune since my pharmacy had the December stuff
out already)
I'm reading of this cold air mass
And the confusion that it brings
But the weather service
Says don't be nervous
It's the norm to have these crazy swings
I'm reading of this cold air mass
I'm sure the trends can't be controlled
Can't we put this air mass on hold
So our Halloween won't be too cold
Regarding using the sanitation salt shed for Fashion Week
Tune of Always True to You in My Fashion
At the recent fashion week
Found a venue oh so chic
But some speak of its uniqueness with dismay
But we always look for new places to show fashion
Yes we always look for new places to display
Down to Spring Street we were led
To the sanitation shed
Someone said that stylish shed has a cachet
And we always look for new venues to show fashion
Yes we always look for new
Places to display
Relating to the bridge scandal memory lapse issues
Tune of Memory
Mid-thought
Not a sound from the governor
Is he losing his memory
Or just lost in a thought
In his office the tension seems to grow as we meet
And his input has been sought
Memory
Is he caught in the spotlight
Did he know of the order
For the lanes to be closed
I remember they tried to move the focus away
But will he be deposed
Years go by
His time fills up
With sharp intense campaigning
New suggestions lead to brand new questions
That folks find entertaining
Touchy
You may find that it's touchy
But I'm sure of my memory
And will not take the fall
If you ask him he may still have a memory lapsde
Or perhaps he might recall
Is it really nearly a century that they’ve been dealing with the
2nd Avenue Subway?
Tune of 500 Miles
If we miss the scheduled date
Don't be mad that we are late
We've been working on this line
A hundred years
A hundred years
A hundred years
A hundred years
A hundred years
Just be glad we haven't blown a hundred years
With the schedule we were on
Don't know where the time has gone
Lots of years and lots of dough
Have slipped away
Slipped away
Slipped away
All that time has slipped away
Just be glad there's something to show
For a hundred years
Regarding Oktoberfest, “the most wonderful time of the
beer” (a possible public service
ad)
Tune of Try to Remember
Try to stay sober
This day in October
But keep in mind before you swallow
Try to think over
This time in October
The bad effects that may just follow
You can't stay sober
That way in October
Unless by good fortune your leg is hollow
If in October
You thought this all over
Then swallow
Re the hopeful forecast that snow-shoveling workers will have
work by the end of the year.
Tune of Stoney End
A global warming take
Hoping for a snowy end
I hope the year is gonna have a snowy end
Though the summer is all over
Wait and see
Gonna see the heat again
I can read the forecast and it seems out of control
You can call it Indian summer but my eyes are gonna roll
I do not believe it isn't global warming
Planning for a snowy end
The year is gonna have a snowy end
Summer heat is finally over
Data says we are gonna see that heat again
(Repeat chorus)
Mashing up a Young Frankenstein screening item in the column
with the story of the viral legal letter sent to the paper by Trump’s lawyers
and the paper’s also-viral response
Tune of Putting on the Ritz
Though he'll sue for lots of dough
Your legal crew worked like a pro
And gave him fits
Counting up your hits
Record time how very sweet
Numbers climb as people tweet
To pick their nits
Counting up your hits
Read by folks from Putin to Obama
Parsed for each apostrophe and comma
Oh, what drama!
Libel claim they widely shared
Was so lame you were not scared
Out of your wits
Count up all your hits
The column said:
“Here’s hoping you didn’t put your summer wardrobe in mothballs.”
Could October 17 be the last chance this year to break out this
summer tune?
Tune of “Summer Nights”
Summer wardrobe / Thought it was past
Summer wardrobe / Dig it out fast
Ditch that coat, break out that T
Find those shorts, short as can be
Summer sun, climate change fun
We say uh-oh, this autumn night
(Well, oh, well, oh, well, uh, oh)
Tell Al Gore, tell Al Gore
Hey, are you really sure?
Tell Al Gore, tell Al Gore
‘Cause we’re past Yom Kippur
(Oh no, mm, hmm, oh, no, mm, hmm, oh no it can’t be)
Look tomorrow / Eighty degrees
But there might be / A slight summer breeze
No mistaking, look what’s in store
News is breaking, Wednesday brings more!
Fall is here, we’re filled with fear
It’s too hot for an autumn night
(Woe, woe, woe)
Tell Al Gore, tell Al Gore
As we’re raking the leaves
Tell Al Gore, tell Al Gore
We’re not wearing no sleeves!
- (solemn big ending)
When we’re sweating, at Halloween
As we’re getting dressed for that scene
We’ll feel joy at the parade
But think, oy, where is the shade?
Night’s so warm, where is the norm?
Who will care – that autumn night
(Tell Al Gore, tell Al Gore)
