Parody lyrics –
Nov 25, 2012
ALL ARE PARODY
VERSIONS OF THE CHARACTERS.
IT
TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY, MY LOVE
(tune of HARD
TO SAY GOODBYE - Beyonce in Dreamgirls version)
BEYONCE & HENRY and OTHERS join in
We didn't get
those big names.
We have to
depend on talent now,
And we were
finding it pointless,
No stars to
give it that wow.
It looked so
good for a long time.
The art came
together so well.
Everyone’s
working so great with each other;
But we’ve got
no Denzel.
It takes stars
to make them buy, my love.
Stars to tell
them why, my love.
Why they should
spend wild and free
When they're
not sure who they’re gonna see.
It’s such a
shame, it ain’t no lie
That without a
name, it’s hard to make them buy
(Song
continues with entire cast)
Folks like to
blame the downturn,
Something facts
won’t allow.
When a show had
Hugh or Scarlett.
They all found
lots of cash somehow.
Three hundred
or four hundred
Money from who
knows where
But no matter
how high it may go
You’ve got
stars, the bucks will be there
It takes stars
to make them buy, my love.
Who would even
try, my love.
Broadway buzz
is oh so poor
Without that
thing they call the lure.
Got a great
play? Your close friends will try
If you comp
them in, but it’s stars that make them buy
SUSAN (on phone)
Patti, that’s
right, we’re doing an auction on our show, to keep our show going. You must have a few things laying
around that you can’t use.
MICHAEL (on
phone)
Jerry, yes, I
know, and we’ll build a special segment around your songs. Susan and I love Dolly, Mame, La Cage, Susan loves The Grand Tour,
huh, what do I think of it…
SUSAN (on
phone)
You can get me
Susan Boyle? How did you swing
that? What can she auction off,
though? OK, we’ll have her do a
makeover during the show and auction off the old wig and outfit.
MICHAEL
It’s coming
together, Susan. We’re buying ourselves at least another
year. Thank you, Beyonce!
BEYONCE & CAST
It’s such a
shame, it ain’t no lie
That without a
name, it’s hard to make them buy
If you don’t
have those big names
Lower chance of
survival
If you don’t
have those big names
You’ll
be dead on arrival
(It's so hard,
baby, with no stars.
Yeah,
it's so hard, baby, with no stars)
(They blow
kisses )
(
Some
time passes. It's the TV show's Auction Week fundraiser. )
MICHAEL
And I hear you’re so taken with the business side, Bette, that you’re playing an agent in your next show.
BETTE
Right you are. Hit it. It's a tribute to Sue Mengers, the best agent there was, because everyone cares deeply about our agents!
(tune of BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGLE BOY)
Sue was a brilliant boffo agent in the movie biz
And who can really do her justice, well, gee whiz
Sue was the top-most of her field
And so when casting came up,
The perfect name was revealed
To play the power woman of the Hills of Beverly
They chose the Boogie-Woogie Broad
Whose name begins with a B
It’s true, it’s true,
It’s true that she’ll play Sue
And she’ll be great in the part,
No one like Midler
She’s ready to do the eight shows
And she’s been great since Fiddler
The one who’ll stun and hon she’ll gross quite heavily
The one who’ll stun and hon she’ll gross quite heavily
She’s the Boogie Woogie Babe Whose name begins with a B
(Tune of
ANYTHING GOES - both Patti's share the song)
(verse)
Patti sings:
Tell the
followers on your blog
Tell your
friends at your synagogue
Tell the people
who walk your dog
Such great
things:
Buy yourself a
delightful gem
Patti knows
you’ll sleep like a log
Knowing you
supported them
A golden plated
movie tchothcke
That Garbo used
in Ninotchka
And it’s hand
blown
Everyone,
phone!
You want to
dress just like Morticia would!
Or smell good
like Charles Isherwood!
Times cologne!
[Susan holds up the bottle]
Everyone phone!
You want Wicked
tickets quick
Or some Rudnick
shtick
Songs for Sammy
Glick
A dog and pony
trick
And maybe for a
kick
You might
choose to pick
A late brunch
with LuPone
Sit second row
for Meryl’s daughter
Or watch Sutton
do Cole Pawter
That girl has
grown
Everyone phone
Everyone,
everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone phone!
Buy grandmamma
a date with Gavin
Or top bidder
joins Ms. Lavin
To share a
scone!
Everyone phone
Come bid on Jon
Groff’s acting lesson
A gift that
would sure impress any guys I’ve known
Everyone phone
We’ve got so
much stuff today
Though it’s
tough today
Buy a muff
today
Or a puff today
Or a cuff today
But enough
today
Hope it’s stuff
you wanna own
And so right
there celebs are sitting
To answer when
you start bidding,
To set the
tone–
Everyone phone
Everyone
phone!!!!!
Everyone,
everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone phone!
(PATTI
& PATTI - POOR ATTITUDE, tune of NEW ATTITUDE)
Michael here,
Susan there
They work so
hard running everywhere
They work
extreeeeeeme-ly hard
In person
Mike’s so nice, so swell
You better not
be giving ‘em hell
That’s quite a
team – both of them
You spent some
time out on stage
One thing that
you learn
The folks on
this show are worth each penny they earn
Look it here, I
don’t mean to be rude
Let’s start the
bidding, hope you’re now in the mood
Pick up the
phone and spend it, dude
Don’t have a
Poor Attitude
It’s pretty
cheap, what you get will include -
A chance to
join the stars of Sweeney for food
Who, who, who,
who, who’d [LuPone fake-holds
a cleaver as in Sweeney]
Chase off your
Poor Attitude
(LABELLE, faux-serious, in light for a moment)
I’m doing a
great role, great part
Lot of soul,
lots of well-crafted heart
In a dream show
It’s really a
deep work, deep plot
When you get
there, you’ll see my concert? No, it’s not
But I love it
so – and so will you!
Oh yeah, I
hammer that point
Like I think
you’re all slow
And now let’s
go back to the point of this show
(BOTH, raucous again)
Pay more,
they’ll have you on to be interviewed
Feel like a
star and have a quote misconstrued
Then you can go
home and get sued
And have a Poor
Attitude
Come buy a
walk-on part and say you debuted
Right there on
stages in a show that is lewd
And do it in
the nude
Shrug off your
Poor Attitude
(Segue into LADY MARMALADE parody)
(PATTI &
PATTI) – OK, here we go!
Come on get the
phone sister,
phone sister,
phone sister
Come on get the
phone sister,
phone sister,
phone sister
Fela’s
switchin’ switchin’ divas
Yes, your diva
is La Belle
Pick up those
darn phone receivers
Don’t lose out,
you missed Denzel
Come and see
the play avec moi, ce soir
Come out to the
play avec moi
Marmalade will
earn a wad.
Come on get the
phone sister,
phone sister,
phone sister
Come on get the
phone sister,
phone sister,
phone sister
(get
audience clapping maybe)
I’m
singing: Come and see the show avec moi, ce soir
Come and see
the show avec moi
Lady’s gonna
bring in a lot!
Phone, sister,
phone, sister
Honey get your
get your Visa
See FELA and
see SWEENEY TODD
Baby, let this
diva squeeze a
Tidy sum for
Marmalade
Come and see
the play avec moi, ce soir
Come on out and
play avec moi
Marmalade will
earn a lot!
(Tune of JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME)
I have always
been a diva who acquires things,
There’s a
tchotchke and right home with me it goes.
I have always
been a diva who acquires things,
Like jewelry,
accessories and clothes.
If those
outfits aren’t needed,
I will take the
one that’s beaded:
Just give
anything to me.
If you’ve got
an extra bonnet,
watch as I
swoop down upon it
Just give
anything to me.
If those spats
are slightly ratty,
that is quite
OK with Patti
I will take it
if it’s free
If that hat is
kind of faded,
that is fine
‘cause I’m not jaded
Wonder what all
this could get on ebay
Just give
anything to me
(Michael)
- Where to, Patti?
(Patti)
- To the prop room, to make sure there isn’t anything they may have –
accidentally - left behind
(Michael)
- Gonna take any of it home, Patti?
(Patti) -
Why, Mr. Riedelander, whatever put such a nefarious idea into my head—oops,
your head!)
If you have an
extra hammer,
give it up, the
heck with glamour:
Just give
everything to me.
If you have a
lacy hanky,
so it’s dirty,
I’m not cranky:
Just give
everything to me.
If you have a
trolley cushion,
pardon me if I
am pushin’,
That would fit
me to a T.
If a trinket
can be lifted,
used again, and
then re-gifted--
Don't be
afraid kids,
I’m the
last to leave, so I’ll clean up!
I will talk
about it on the talk shows
I will brag
about it with bravado
I'll remember
it in all my memoirs
Just –
Give anything
to
me!
(tune of WE
NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS)
(JERRY)
Haul out the
Herman
Either
Christine can come and do her MAME again
Use the same
blocking
Seems the
revival contest’s very lame again now
Yes it seems a
little listless
Right this
scary minute
Very few
revivals
Rush in, you
could win it
Yes, it seems a
little listless
Any way you
spin it
It’s high time
someone brought back RAISIN
Hey tell
LaBelle she’d be amazin’
Or -
What can we
slip in?
Perhaps a SOUND
OF MUSIC with a Jewish cast
Bieber as
PIPPIN?
Or maybe KISS
ME KATE with an all-Shrewish cast now
If it seems
that OKLAHOMA
Cannot get the
Circle
Maybe climate’s
right for
WORKING by
Studs Terkel
Or perhaps a
SHENANDOAH
Starring
Captain Kirk’ll
Make it much
less listless now
MICHAEL
And now ladies
and gentlemen, if that didn’t send you to the phones, this will. The
biggest star of 2010, the true rags to riches story of these economic hard
times – She dreamed a dream of days gone by – and she may even auction off a
“before” frock - from before one of her many makeovers, so don’t let the chance
go by to phone in and make our dream happen –
Here’s Miss
Susan Boyle!
(tune of THAT’S HOW YOUNG I
FEEL)
SUSAN BOYLE
They laughed at first when I looked real dumpy
But look at me I'm no longer frumpy
And that's how hot I feel
Last year I worked as a baby sitter
Now Elaine Page is here on my
twitter
Yeah, that's how hot I feel
I sang from Les Miserab
Now I drive a brand new Saab
Used to drive a Chevy
I hit the top and I kept on climbin’
I’ll never stop all because of Simon
And his big record deal (Ooh!)
Aw honey 'cause that's how hot I feel
(A dance while someone comes on and brings MICHAEL some news
that looks like bad news.)
(Back to SUSAN BOYLE)
I told ‘em I dreamed a dream
Guess the dream wasn’t too extreme
(others: Her rotation’s heavy)
Biggest seller now in the nation
Then fly to Rome for a visitation
And ride the Pope-mobile
Aw honey ‘cause that’s how hot I feel
(others: That’s how hot she feels, yeah!)
(end of Jerry Herman segment)
AT BARRY
& FRAN WEISSLER'S OFFICE AT THE PIANO
MICHAEL
You see, Miss
Brinkley, this video shows beyond a shadow of a doubt I really don’t write the
headlines.
FRAN
Nice summation,
Michael. Possible Billy Flynn for the Vegas company, Barry, maybe?
I'll have the guys at Casting Couch call you to set up a call back.
CHRISTIE
And the nasty
editor guy who wrote that title of the article won’t be at the TV taping?
MICHAEL
I
promise! [They
all cheer.]
(UPTURN GIRL , tune of UPTOWN GIRL - Christie in ”Chicago”)
Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Upturn Girl,
Christie’s
rocking our investors’ world
We’d had a lot
of times our weekly nut
May have
suggested it was time to shut
It scared us
but -
Now our Upturn
Girl
Will get the
audience from ‘round the world
As long as
Christie’s here to sell a seat
No way we’re
going downward in defeat
That's what
we’ll tweet
And soon she’ll
know what
The press will
opi-i-ine
And soon she’ll
hear
If they cheer
or they whi-i-ine
She'll know if
after all
She should stay
On through fall
She’s our
Upturn Girl
You know that
Barry likes to be a churl
But Barry’s
smiling in our fifteenth year
And praying
Christie will want to appear
When summer’s
here
Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Upturn Girl
There’s our
Upturn Girl
Our gross will
mean love
For our Upturn
Girl
Our Upturn Girl
You know they’re
in love
With our Upturn
Girl
BACK AT THE
STUDIO
(
(
(BOTH LADIES, maybe with back-up - tune of FREE TO BE YOU
AND ME)
I am glad
theaters do
Keep out kids
who are two
And how could
shows be fun
If they allowed
kids of one
But at three I
submit
Kids still
don’t care a whit
And I slide
into my reverie
To a land
with no kicking
spree
Where they’ve
banned
climbing me
like a tree
Oh how grand
if the theater
could be
Where kids of
three
Will never be
Next to me
I love theatre,
I do
Of all kinds,
yes it’s true
And I’m glad
parents bring kids of eight, seven too
But when kids
are too small
Oh it casts
such a pall
It’s the
theater, oh gee, not TV
I can’t stand
when the
toddlers run free
I can’t stand
when they drum
with their knee
I can’t stand
when they drool
on me
I can’t stand
when their mom
lets them pee
Oh how grand
if the theater
could be
Where kids of
three
Will never be
(Where kids of
three will never be)
Where kids of
three will never be
Next to me
CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND (about standing
ovations trend)
Tune of DIAMONDS ARE A
GIRL’S BEST FRIEND
An old fashioned hand may
be quite consequential
But standing is the world’s worst trend
A hand that is grand may
make some differential
But as people stand,
The thund’rous hand can sound
less grand
Give our show
A standing O
And the sound’s sure to
wander no end
The cheers tends to muffle from
all that kerfuffle
Standing is a worthless trend
There may come a time
for a “bravo” or “brava”
But standing is the world’s worst trend
There may come a time
when a cast’s hot as lava
A volcanic force,
Shout til you’re hoarse but
sit of course.
I repeat
Cheer from your seat
If you stand we may
not comprehend
Looks may be deceiving, we may think you're
leaving
Standing is a worthless trend
Go text your praises
Standing is the world's worst trend
Tweet cheers and bravos
Now here’s the point -
Chatting is a show’s best friend!
A big standing O may be quite ornamental
But chatting is a show's best friend
To stand is a show but my quaint city rental
Costs a thousand plus
So if we fuss, well pardon us
We're no fools
We know the rules
Standing O's don't mean you'll recommend
I hate to
be pushy, just post
from your tushy
'Cause chatting is a show's best
friend!
Don’t let our buzz fade!
Chatting is a show's - best - friend
MICHAEL and
HUGH JACKMAN
(tune of DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING from LES MIZ )
(BOTH SING)
Do you hear the
loud ka-ching?
It’s the
stampede of Jackman fans
They are
reaching for their mouses
And they’re
making costly plans
Hear the
flutter of their heart
As they all pay
the princely sums
For their life
really seems to start
When Hugh
Jackman comes!
Will you pay
all you can pay
To bring a
record sales advance
Some will need
row double-A
Where their
Hugh might give them a glance
And that’s just
for starters!
He might bring
them on stage to dance
Do you see the
people spend?
They need him
close to keep them sane
They’ve
believed that he’s their friend
Since front row
at A Steady Rain
Hear the thrill
brought to their lives
As they are
paying princely sums
For their
excitement only arrives
When Hugh
Jackman comes!
Segue into I GO TO RIO (Hugh Jackman as Peter Allen version)
(Fans dance on)
When Hugh
Jackman,
When Hugh
Jackman does his show
I raid my Keogh
For dinero
Got a pair-oh
Way upstairs
was all they had left at the B.O.
Would we see –
oh?
Oh I’m not the
kind of person
who cares much
about good seats
‘cause it’s
prestigious, that’s egregious
But a party
that might work real great
won’t always
translate
to the
mezzanine,
So – oh –oh -oh
when Hugh
Jackman
When Hugh
Jackman takes the stage
I pay the
fee-oh
I don’t care-oh
Found row G-oh
When Hugh
Jackman does a show
It seems to
lighten up my purse
I got row B at
last
What a cast!
SUSAN (into the phone)
This is it!
I found it, Michael! His agent had railed at you, for making fun of
how Huge raised his charity money. But the agent reps a current
show and I'm sure he really needs you to like him now. You can fix it.
Tune of LULLABY OF BWAY (from Hugh Jackman Back on Bway)
Come on along
and look at you (Hugh)
Change what
they buy on Broadway
The sweaty
belts and tank tops, too
That’s what
they buy on Broadway
Let’s watch as
Hugh is taking bids
I mean the
guy’s on fire
The happy fans
all flip their lids
As bids keep
going higher
As the Jackman
babies spend their dough
A brand new
record’s dawning
The guy puts on
a great post-show
He’s always on
Good price,
rich folks
Good price,
Jackman knows the way
Great fun, rich
folks
Great fun, not
too much to pay
Look at all the
sweat they buy
On Hugh’s
Broadway!
(JUNIOR HIGH - tune of RAINBOW HIGH)
(Patti and Mandy go to see Forbidden Broadway)
I don’t really
need
Their spoofing
to succeed
But it can’t
harm me
Still let’s go
to their show
I think it’s
good for us
To show our
sense of humor
Spoof! Laugh!
Tease! Titter!
Scoff! Sneer!
Guffaw! Twitter!
Kissing!
Hugging! Auto-graphing!
Remember!
Be good / sports! Keep laughing!
Gerard’s loved
by actors!
We’ve tried to
ignore him
But co-stars
adore him
And they go to
his shows
But that sense
of humor
It’s like he’s
in Junior High
But folks he
makes fun of
All love the
guy
Spoof! Laugh!
Tease! Titter!
Scoff! Sneer!
Twitter!
Our visit’s a
secret
Let’s not even
phone him
Before we
LuPone him
That way nobody
knows
We’ll love all
the actors
But if his
work’s Junior High
We won’t even
tell him
That we stopped
by
Kissing!
Hugging! Auto-graphing!
Remember!
Be good / sports! Keep laughing!
[They are seen, so they pretend to have loved it]
“Yeah our
section’s divine
It was not half
as bad as they said it was
Don’t believe
the buzz
I’m so
disappointed”
[They walk off puzzled by what the fuss was about]
Such behavior
The man’s such
a meanie
That
Alessandrini
Totally blows
And don’t you
think, Mandy
It’s like he’s
in Junior High
I see you are
speechless
And so am I!
(end of number)
(SUSAN BOYLE and PATTI LUPONE – I Know Him So Well)
Nothing is so
good we don’t get sick of it,
Even tales of
riches out of rags,
And this one
kept me in the thick of it,
Hearing far too
much, it now just drags,
Looking back,
it might have played out differently,
Could have been
a subtler, softer sell
But that is not
the case when Cowell’s involved,
Goodness
gracious no, I know her well
Wasn't it fun
(Oh such fun)
When she
appeared?
(Oh appeared)
They were all
gobsmacked,
The shock
seemed weird
And now my
friend
I need a little
bit
Of distance my
dear,
It has become
so clear,
(Each time I
see her all made over)
I know her too
well
(segue into Don’t Dream It’s Over)
There is coffee
with cream, there is coffee without
You don’t have
to get it if you want a cup
There’s an
interview now, many more yet to come
And the sales
charts are saying your time is not nearly up
Hey wow, hey
wow, they made you over
Hey wow, hey
wow, since the world found you
How come, how
come the gal we gave our hearts to
Had to be made
all new
As you ride in
your car, and they’re doing your hair
And they talk
about meeting the Pope and what you’ll wear
I saw Oprah one
day, last year’s Susan was gone
Is this really
the everyday gal we cheered on
Hey wow, hey
wow, they made you over
Hey wow, hey
wow, yes they did and how!
How come, how
come the reason we first cheered you
The world does
not want now
(tune of HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?)
LEA
Running down
the aisles at the Tony Awards
How plucky can
you get?
Watching frozen
smiles from the folks on the boards
How plucky can
you get?
I watched
Matthew Morrison
His hoofing was
swell
And his pants
were so tight
Man, he knows
how to sell
I'll go really
crazy
If i can't play
Miss Brice
It's the
fiercest role yet
Wow, how plucky
can you get
(jump to “Hey
there gorgeous” section)
Hey Miss Berry
TV star
Show 'em all
how very
Very plucky you
are
Went back to the
Tonys
Mega-wattage
from GLEE
Hey did you
hear the news
Now the Emmy’s
the key
So if there's a
role I can't get
Well, I'm happy
to say
It hasn't been
written as yet
Gee how plucky
can you
Wow how plucky
can you get?
(I’d Rather a Jew – Funny Girl casting)
Parody of I’D
RATHER BE BLUE - starts with a guy singing to Lea, a bit starstruck
We’re getting
real blue
Thinking this
through
We’d rather a
Jew, or half-Jew,
Than a Fanny
who’s Irish and cute
A shiksa might
click, sir
For hicks, sir,
But not in New
York!
They’d ask this
real quick, sir
“You’re sure
that’s your pick, sir?”
Don’t pop that
cork!
You’ll need a
little oy, little vey, little zmir
And the right
kind of nose
They’ll tell ya
it’s a fact, she can act, but an act -
Is that as far
as it goes?
We’re getting
real blue
Thinking this
through
We must have at
least a half-Jew
You need
someone like Lea Michele
[Lea
gestures “who me” as if this were not rehearsed]
Will she be
bad, will she be good,
That’s not the
point you fool
A Fanny Brice
will not suffice,
Unless she goes
to shul
Filling the
house, you’ll hear them grouse,
“You need
Jewish blood to please.
To fill
Barbra’s shoes, you gotta use
Someone with
Brooklyn ease”
LEA
Cross the Bronx
with Tenafly, it might as well be Brooklyn!
(back to song)
We’re getting
real blue
Thinking this
through
We’re getting
real blue, well so nu
But dear Lea,
your voice makes us kve-e-e-elll
Blue yes it’s
true,
We’d rather a
Jew or half-Jew
We were hop-hop-hop-hop-ing
For somebody
swe-e-e-e-e-elll
LEA
Do the ending
we gave you, this will go network,.
BOYS
We’d be
hap-hap-hap-hap-py
With Le-a
Mich-e-e-e-e-e-e-ele.
LEA
I’d even take
the TV movie remake if they offered it!
(musical flourish,
end of number)
KRISTIN
SEGEMENT
(tune of "I Say a Little
Prayer for You")
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)
Her part is too
short now
And we’ve got
her fans to court now
We’ve got to
give her more to do
The plot may
need twistin’
But those guys
just love their Kristin
We gotta give
her more to do
Forever and
ever
Expanding her
part is oh oh so very
Clever, so
clever, it’s really so smart, oh how they’d love it
A clever
endeavor, the best place to start right now
Is make her a
full total co-equal lead
Does this sound
too perky -
A solo on
Turkey Lurkey
Would please
the fans and Brantley too
My gay cousin
Ralphie
Says change the
lead’s name to Alfie
And she could
sing it on The View
Forever and
ever
Expanding her
part is oh oh so very
Clever, so
clever, it’s really so smart, oh how they’d love it
A clever
endeavor, do we know a way (oh how it would pay)
To set the show
in San Jose?
The part’s
still too small now
Her fans they
still text and call now
We got to find
her more to do
So now, if it ties
in
A medley from
Lost Horizon
Liv's circle
song would be a coup
Forever and
ever
Expanding her
part is oh oh so very
Clever, so
clever, it’s really so smart, oh how they’d love it
A clever
endeavor, do we know a way (oh how it would pay)
To set the show
in San Jose?
AL PACINO
SEGMENT.
(SHYLOCK – tune of SKYLARK)
Shylock -
Have you
anything back in row Z
I can’t handle
such intensity
But in my world
I can’t exist
If friends know
that I have missed -
Shylock
Just row E, and
just five-hundred each
I could put in
plugs for each big speech
But I’d prefer
seats far away
Need to say I
saw the play
Maybe rear
mezzanine
When he starts
to get treated mean
The shouting
will be
Faint as a
normal guy
Gentle as a hum
Heck, I’d even
pay you premium
For Shylock
My friends saw
the show in Central Park
They got
rattled by Pacino’s bark
Could they set
up a folding chair
And then seat
me there
SUSAN
And here’s a
throwaway crack by you at their using Al to push the Public’s season to
subscribers. Maybe he googled himself. In context it’s totally
fine, it’s in the middle of a love letter to him. But by itself, I don’t
know.
Shylock
- Have you any extra time to spend
We were hoping
that you might extend
There might be
revenue we’ve missed
Lets’ rake it
in hand over fist
Oh Shylock
We could bring
in lots of green in spring
With the
tourists March and April bring
Over the Easter
student break
Think of the
grosses we would make
And if you
really can’t
Many won’t hear
the music as you rant
Soul-crushing
ranting
Plaintive as
Serpico’s lisp
Raving like a
loon
Sad if it isn’t
remembered in June
Shylock, I
don't know if you can find a way
But we beg and
plead for you to stay
You’re at the
top and in your prime
Let’s squeeze
out each dime
(TIME PASSES –
IT’S APRIL – AND THE EXHAUSTING BUNCHING TOGETHER OF APRIL OPENINGS.)
(MICHAEL
and press folk)
(Tune of I WILL SURVIVE from Priscilla)
At first I was
amazed, I was overjoyed
I couldn’t wait
to tell my parents
And my Uncle
Floyd
‘Cause I spent
so many nights
Seeing theater
from row E
And I thought
“Gee,
I even see the
shows for free”
And then I’d
write, get lots of space
And all the
backers sat and watched
To see the look
that’s on my face.
Hey, would I
give the show a knock
Or would I
laugh until I’d pee
All that I knew
is that I loved
To do what
meant so much to me
But now I go,
walk through the door
Now that it’s
April
I just can’t
stand it any more
I sit here
hoping the Shirelles won’t start to fly
It’s all a
jumble
Oh, will this
month ever die
But still I
cry, “I will revive”
Oh, as much as
I love theater
I don’t feel
like I’m alive
But the
summer’s coming soon
Got the
Hamptons in mid- June
Then I’ll
revive, I will revive
Hey, hey
Actors in less-publicized
shows plead with Michael to make jokes about them for the attention.
WE LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT (Priscilla’s I LOVE THE NIGHTLIFE)
Please make
jokes about us now, Mike
Please make
jokes and a sweet fuss
Please make
jokes, we hope you do
‘Bout all the
hazards we go through
Ah, please make
jokes about all the gowns we tear
When we do
cartwheels and flips
We wanna be in
your little quips
We’ve had no
frac-tures
But did have a
sprain
Frac-tures, no,
but we’ve had some pain
You kidded Spidey,
come on and kid us too
Oh, oh, ow! Oh,
oh, ow! Oh, oh, oh, owwww!
We love the
spotlight, we’d love it, Boobie
So spread the
dissing round, oh yeah
We love the
spotlight, oh Michael Boobie
So spread the
dissin' round, oh yeah
Please don't
joke about them now, Mike
Your sweet
jokes could give us a spike
Seems your
jokes gets lots of play
The folks
repeat each thing you say.
You can joke
about our stereotype
Honey that’ll
get, huh, us plenty of hype
We hope your
staffers give us a chance
We’ve got some
act-TORS
Hungry for
press
Act-TORS, who
look great in a dress
You kidded
Spidey, come on and kid us too
Oh, oh, wow!
oh, oh, oh, wowwww!
(2x)
We love the
spotlight, so Michael, Boobie
So spread the
dissing round, oh yeah
IT’S DRAINING
BETTE
Tune of IT’S
RAINING MEN from PRISCILLA
Hi
- Hi!
We're your
Theater Geek chorus
- Uh-huh -
And we’ll be
watching Bette on the View
- You gotta
watch!
Get ready, all
you Broadway fans
and leave that
umbrage behind.
- All right! -
Familiarity is
rising –
Resistance
getting low
According to
our sources
(anonymous
sources, now)
Your den’s the
place to go
Yes, tonight
like this morning
There on your
TV set
It’s the tenth
time since yesterday
And the
schedule’s draining Bette.
It's Draining
Bette! Talking to ya! –
It's Draining
Bette! You bet!
She’s gonna go
on, gonna tete a tete
With everyone
she’s ever met!
It's Draining
Bette! Talking to ya!
It's Draining
Bette! Get her a Sucret!
Gabs, claps,
laughs and cries
Talks and hawks
and kvells and sighs
God bless the
Divine One,
she has brought
us quite a show
She took quite
a risk here
and now she
wants all of us to go
She gives notes
each night now,
she’s serving
as a guide
So that
everyone who sees it
can dance along
with pride
It's Draining
Bette! Talking to ya! –
It's Draining
Bette! You bet!
It's Draining
Bette! Talking to ya! –
It's Draining
Bette! You bet!
I see our great
diva sell her show
(Watch that
girl go)
See the diva
wheedle and cajole
(Maybe one day
she’ll play a role)
Oh it’s
draining Bette, yeah!\\
(mood gets
mock-quiet and important, tune of THE ROSE.
MICHAEL
and SUSAN wave llghters.)
Some think
love, it is a blogger
Who gives your
show a tweet
Some think
love, it is a chatter
Who says your
show is neat
Some think
love, it is a stranger
With bravos to
repeat
I think love,
it is a buyer
Who bought a
premium seat
It’s the seat
sold for a fraction
Of its listed
ticket cost
That should
spring you into action
Over revenue
that’s lost.
Yes, I know
there’s satisfaction
The show’s
spirit doesn’t quit.
But it takes
demand for premium
To make a
mega-hit
When there’s
shnorrer after shnorrer
Who bought at
T-K-T-S,
And you
thinking of the horror
That you might
just need the press,
Just remember,
call Miss Midler
She’ll lay on
the needed dose
Of the sass
that on the talk shows
In the spring
will up the gross
(Bette does
some movements about the seriousness of the show .)
Please join me
in a moment of prayer, that there will be peace and tolerance – for both drag
shows on Broadway.
(EVERYONE ONSTAGE)
When the mezz
is full of slackers
Who all used
T-K-T-S
And you’re
thinking of the backers
Who all long
for great success
Just call on
your secret weapon
Down to earth
and grandiose
She is here on
all the talk shows
In the spring
to up The Gross
(MOTHER LODE OF FANS, tune of BROTHERHOOD OF MAN)
Now, you give
all the interviews
The studios
plan for you
You say hello
and gladly shmooze
With fans who
all adore you
They not only
saw your movies
But sought you
out onstage
And so it’s
clear to everyone
It’s you that’s
all the rage
That is a
Mother Lode of Fans,
A high-level, a
Mother Lode of Fans,
The big box
office draw
That knocks ‘em
out with awe
A great big
Mother Lode of Fans.
It’s gate that
shows how much you rate
Keep laughing
at all those also-rans
You’re on the
top now, mate
‘Cause cash
will never date
A great big
Mother Lode of Fans
(“Aunt”Fierstein
climbs on desk throwing money)
Oh the
compensation
Such
remuneration
Feel the
jubilation
Oh, brother -
You, you can
see
See, they love
you, you
It’s gate that
shows how much you rate
The numbers
exceeded all their plans
You’re on the
top now, mate
‘Cause cash
will never date
A great big
Mother Lode of Fans
ENCORE, IF
WARRANTED:
(LEA)
tune of LET’S
HEAR IT FOR ME
Get the make-up
Smash that
pimple
My next move is
very simple
There’s no
marketable Fanny but me
Come on kids,
let’s hear it for GLEE
For a co-star
I’m not picky
Darren Criss
can be my Nicky
And if not
perhaps Cheyenne will be free
I got clout,
let’s hear it for GLEE
Thanks to
Spring Awak’ning and Duncan
My appeal had
finally sunk in
Bless my heat
with Jonathan Groff
Those years of
stupid workshops at last paid off
Play those
classics
Let them swing
out
All of Tenafly
will sing out
And those
hackneyed acned kids that I’ve played
Will be gone
now that my plans have been laid
But without
them I wouldn’t get near it
Let’s hear it
for GLEE
[if the
audience seems receptive to a Betty Bacall "oldie but goodie type
song"]
SUSAN
I just want to
do one last update to the tune of APPLAUSE, which I only saw originally on TV,
but having joined an audience in wild entrance applause in Boston stopping
Lauren Bacall from singing “Sam Craig, wherever you are” in WOMAN OF THE
YEAR. She sand those first words, we applauded her, she stopped, taking
in our cheers, and actually started again. At least that’s how I remember
it years later, and maybe I’m mixing her shows up, but here goes.
Cast joins her on HER FLAWS (tune
of APPLAUSE),
What is it that
I’m clapping for?
Her flaws, her
flaws
Nothing at all
/ Holds me in thrall
Like Betty's
flaws
Most singers
can share / A note-perfect sound
But I do not
care / When I hear it:
Her happy growl
rolls into me / And if it's flat
This is the
height / Squeals of delight
Pulsate from
right where I’m at –
‘Cause
The star that’s
onstage (she moves great)
Looks great for
her age (but I love -)
Her flaws! Her
flaws! Her flaws!
(big finish)
Charisma to
spare / Emotions so true
On entrance
it’s there / And I hear it
Why did I join
that entrance roar
What was it
for?
Nothing I know
/ Heightens a show
Like Betty
starting the score –
‘Cause
The legend's
onstage (Can you hear her?)
Again all the
rage (The sound of)
Her flaws! Her
flaws! Her flaws!
Her flaws! Her
flaws! Her flaws!
(EVERYONE - again to HARD TO SAY GOODBYE)
And it's hard
to say good night, my love.
Don’t forget to
write, my love.
Broadway buzz
is really key
And so we beg
on bended knee
Got a good
show,
That is no lie
But for
goodness sake
It’s hard to
make them buy
Go write the
online chatters
Tell them how
you loved us
(Go tell them,
tell them you loved us)
[Once in Love with Amy – I’m Goin’ Back – Mame: possible section showcasing “Susan”
character if cast as song-and-dance performer]
As I climbed to my seat, I recalled better times. Then the show started, and I was
mesmerized and these were the better times.
(ONCE IN LOVE WITH AMY from Where’s Charley)
Once you’re hooked by Encores,
You’re always hooked by Encores
Season by season, hear the giddy voices,
Wondering what the choices will be
Once you’re struck by Encores,
You’re always stuck on Encores
Each time you go to New York City Center,
You are sure to enter with glee
Nervous of the coming renovation,
Of which we’ve been told
Checked out the brand new seating situation,
And I am sold
So I’ve been hooked on Encores,
Now I’m more hooked on Encores
Season by season, ever edifying,
Shows that we’ve been dying to see
Now Encores is even more fine with me.
(spoken to announcer) Is Susan Boyle ready yet?
ANNOUNCER
Not yet, you’re doing fine, Susan, people are calling in
for more of you!
(I’M GOING BACK from Bells Are Ringing)
Sue knows you
You're going through
Financial woes
We've got to find out
A cheap way to see shows
We're goin' back
Where we used to be
In the New York City Center gallery
Well, you can hear fine anywhere
At that price it's a good buy
For what we'll pay
Between you and me
The seats are not too high
A little closer on the side
Here's C, 1 and 3
In the City Center third row gallery
Hon, ya know this is the show my favorite songs are from
Nudge me with your elbow if I start to hum
In the New York City Center gallery
(I saw Music Man there)
In the City Center gallery
(loosening up, a sip of her drink ) That feels nice. Another chorus..
Honey, nu
What should we do
The phone gal says
They haven’t got pairs
Downstairs or in the mezz
We’ll sit in back (by now
she’s a bit looser and into the number)
That’s OK with me
In the City Center sixth row gallery
Well, you can hear from anywhere
And a good buy at that price
We’ll climb some steps
But it’s cheap enough
That we could see it twice
A little closer on the side
D-1 and D-3
In the City Center fourth row gallery
Hon, ya know this is the show my favorite songs are from
Nudge me with your elbow if I start to hum
In the New York City Center gallery
ANNOUNCER
Susan, someone just bid 50 grand for that outfit. You’re a smash!
(shared
with cast - tune of Mame, starting at “Shut my mouth” part)
Well shut your mouth, don’t change the dial
The crowd is breaking into a smile
There’s suddenly bravos, a real standing O
Sue
Well shut my trap and call me crass
We knocked the pundits right on their ass
They’re watching our audience steadily grow
Sue
And all over google
When I waved my bugle
A big rousing shift has occurred
From Brooklyn to Boston
The hats have been tossed in
The public has given the word
It’s like a big circus
With nothing to irk us
The auction is such a success
They’re calling in a yes for P-B-S
It’s such a treat just answering phones
Sue!
And we can feel it here in our bones
Sue!
SUSAN
Who ever thought an auction would bring out all the best in
me and you?
STAFF MEMBERS
We’ll do a tote bag drive again
The staff has come alive again
The show is sure to thrive again
Sue! Sue!
Sue! Sue!
[end of Susan’s song-and-dance showcase section}
