"THEATER CHATTER" - working draft - updated DEC. 2013

Draft –  (last update Dec.  2013)

ALL SONGS/CHARACTERS ARE PARODY VERSIONS   

THEATER CHATTER - parody based on Theater Talk

(or, Broadway Shmoozin’ with Michael and Susan)  v2

CAST:  5 people, plus music: 

Michael Needle (Riedel)  & Susan Haskins

Plus: 3 people (2 women, 1 man) , and a pianist who play parodies of  stars like –  "Patti LuPone","Patti LaBelle", "Harvey Fierstein", "Susan Boyle",  "Bette Midler", "KathleenTurner", “Bono”, and a "Beyonce" parody version in person and cardboard cut-out for picture-taking!

PLOT:  Theater Chatter at the height of the financial crisis in 2011.  Michael and Susan try to raise money to get beyond a year-to-year existence at mercy of funding. As with Broadway, everyone complains about hard times, but they learn the game:  Give them big names, wallets open!  Michael's Aunt (who he never knew) leaves the TV show money to keep running for the next 20 years, but it's contingent on Michael gaining forgiveness of some who would no longer talk to him after he dissed them in the paper,  They get the five interviews AND the will money! 

(Spoiler: And the "Aunt" turns out to be very much alive, and very happy to have foundation money to support education through a TV non-profit!)

Act One  [SONGS/CHARACTERS ARE PARODY VERSIONS]     

I Will Survive  (I Will Revive) – Michael, Susan, with press & Harvey Fierstein

I Love the Nightlife (We Love the Spotlight) – Priscilla cast members

It’s Raining Men (It’s Draining Bette) - company

The Rose (The Gross) – Bette Midler and company

Boogie Woogie Broadway Babe - Bette & company
Hard to Say Goodbye (It takes Stars To Make them Buy) – Beyonce, Henry Krieger & co.

New Attitude / Lady Marmalade (Poor Attitude / Lady’s Gonna Earn a Lot)

           – Patti LuPone, Patti LaBelle

Just Leave Everything to Me (Just Give Anything to Me) – Patti LuPone

That’s How Young I Feel (That’s How Hot I Feel) – Susan Boyle

Uptown Girl (Upturn Girl) – Michael, Christie Brinkley, Barry & Fran Weissler

Act Two  [SONGS/CHARACTERS ARE PARODY VERSIONS]     

Do They Know It’s Christmastime At All (Do They Think They’re Dissing Us At All)

    - Bono, SpiderMan cast members

Anything Goes (Everyone Phone) – Patti LuPone with Susan

Free to be You and Me (Kids of  Three Would Never Be Next to Me) – Kristin with Susan

Hugh Jackman medley – Michael and Hugh Jackman

    (Can You Hear the People / I Go to Rio / Lullaby of Broadway parodies)

I Know Him So Well  (I Know You Too Well) – Susan Boyle, Patti LuPone

I Say a Little Prayer for You (I Need an Extra Song or Two) – Kristin’s producers

Skylark (Shylock) – Al Pacino’s producers

Brotherhood of Man (Mother Lode of Fans) – Dan Radcliffe, Harvey Fierstein & co.

Encores/Bows:

Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend (Standing is the World’s Worst Trend) - Susan

Applause (Her Flaws) – Susan, Michael & company

Hard to Say Goodbye parody tag – the company

[

            HARVEY FIERSTEIN

Hi Susan.  Another April opening, six this  week.  Where’s all this investor money from in the worst economy ever?  Seems like one show closes, another show grabs the theater quickly.

            SUSAN (hugging Harvey)

It’s all about the awards season.  Everyone wants to be on the voters’ minds to get their nominations.   What brings you to the opening of Priscilla?

            HARVEY

I love Bette Midler, and I love drag.   Hello Michael.  You look tired, it must be horrible having to go to one opening after another.  All that glitz and glamour overload.  Speaking of glamour, see you on your show tomorrow.  Who’s on with me?

            MICHAEL (joining conversation, hugging Harvey)

Bette Midler and the Priscilla cast, of course.  And maybe Beyonce, she’s producing the MotownGirls revival.  Seeing all the openings sounds great, I know.  But after a few years of everybody squeezing the shows to just before award time, it can be a drag of a different kind.

          (MICHAEL & SUSAN – tune of Priscilla’s “I Will Survive”)

At first I was amazed,  I was overjoyed

I couldn’t wait to tell my parents

And my Uncle Floyd

‘Cause I spent so many nights, Seeing theater from row E

And I thought “Gee, I even see the shows for free”

And then I’d write, get lots of space

And all the backers sat and watched

To see the look that’s on my face.

Hey, would I give the show a knock

Or would I laugh until I’d pee

All that I knew is that I loved To do what meant so much to me

            OTHER PRESS FOLKS

But now I go, walk through the door

Now that it’s April

I just can’t stand it any more

I sit here hoping the Shirelles won’t start to fly

It’s all a  jumble

Oh, will this month ever die

            ALL

But still I cry, “I will revive”

Oh, as much as I love theater

I don’t feel like I’m alive

But the summer’s coming soon

Got the Hamptons in mid- June

Then I’ll revive, I will revive

Hey, hey

              SUSAN

Oh, look there’s the cast of Spider-Man.  

            MICHAEL

Now how do they have time to come to the Priscilla opening?  Shouldn’t they be busy rehearsing?   

            SUSAN

Didn’t you write negative columns about them?  Maybe you should duck or run the other way.

            MICHAEL (as he runs off after someone)

Don’t worry, they’re going to come on our show to be interviewed next week.  Their producers arranged it. 

            SUSAN 

How does he do that?    Disrespect people in the paper and then they come on our show?

            BETTE MIDLER

Susan, it’s show business.  Today’s enemy is tomorrow’s  employer.   Publicity is like, well, anything else in life - If they don’t kill your show, they make you stronger than ever.  I’ve encouraged our cast to get any coverage they can.  Actors in less-publicized shows are pleading with Michael to  make jokes about them for the attention.  

         WE LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT  (tune of  Priscilla’s  I LOVE THE NIGHTLIFE) 

            (PRISCILLA CAST)

Please make jokes about us now, Mike

Please make jokes and a sweet fuss

Please make jokes, we hope you do

‘Bout all the hazards we go through

Ah, please make jokes about all the gowns we tear

When we do cartwheels and flips

We wanna be in your little quips

We’ve had no frac-tures

But did have a sprain

Frac-tures, no, but we’ve had some pain

You kidded Spidey, come on and kid us too

Oh, oh, ow! Oh, oh, ow! Oh, oh, oh, owwww!

We love the spotlight, we’d love it, Boobie

So spread the dissing round, oh yeah  

We love the spotlight, oh Michael Boobie

So spread the dissin' round, oh yeah

Please don't joke about them now, Mike

Your sweet jokes could give us a spike

Seems your jokes gets lots of play

The folks repeat each thing you say.

You can joke about our stereotype

Honey that’ll get, huh, us plenty of hype

We hope your staffers give us a chance

We’ve got some act-TORS

Hungry for press

Act-TORS, who look great in a dress

You kidded Spidey, come on and kid us too

Oh, oh, wow! oh, oh, oh, wowwww!

We love the spotlight, so Michael, Boobie

So spread the dissing round, oh yeah

We love the spotlight, so Michael, Boobie

So spread the dissing round, oh yeah

As an instrumental plays, the scene shifts to the Theater Chatter studio.

                        The Priscilla performers are ending their number on the TV show.

                       

We love the spotlight, we’d love it, Boobie

So spread the dissing round, oh yeah  

We love the spotlight, oh Michael Boobie

So spread the dissin' round,  oh yeah!

THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER

Welcome back to Theater Chatter,  and this segment on “Cross-Dressing Musicals”, and here are your hosts Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with Bette Midler,  Harvey Fierstein and Kathleen Turner.

SUSAN

Kathleen, it’s lovely to have you here.  There is no significance, is there, that you’re here in the middle of “Drag Day” when we happen to be talking with people behind “La Cage” and “Priscilla”

         KATHLEEN TURNER

My producer tried to work me in when Bette and Harvey were on, because we have a hot naked guy in our show and the people who like her show might find that nudity interesting.  He says you guys are so nice about doing that combo thing in exchange for free tick –

         MICHAEL

Shh!  That’s a quiet thing.  I mean we like to be nice to big big stars, especially when they still get big ratings.   

         SUSAN

Speaking of ratings, looks like dissing Spider-Man is still high on the official trending list.

         BETTE

I wish we could get PRISCILLA in that top of the official Trending list. 

         HARVEY

If you read Musto, which everyone should, the big Broadway trend to watch though is clear: “Male grooming” is big box office.  Did you see the 1960’s businessmen chorus in HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS - there have never been so clean-shaven as in this revival.

         KATHLEEN

And even off-Broadway, the beautifully-groomed HELLO AGAIN has just extended.  Again.  Look at the time!  Gotta go do Broadway Dot Beat.  Thank you so much for having me.  Come see HIGH at the Booth Theatre.  If you can't get seats to Mother with the Hat, we've got a beautiful naked guy jumping around for ninety seconds, no obstructed views,  right next door.   Come see us!

         SUSAN   (to BETTE and HARVEY, as KATHLEEN runs off)

So the two of you are competing for the same audience, or are you complementing each other? 

         BETTE

La Cage paved the way years ago.  Look, I know Theatre Chatter’s a light-hearted show, but can Harvey and I  take a serious moment and then we’ll get silly again, I promise

         MICHAEL

I’m not sure I like this.  I’m joking.  And they say you’re the funny one, Susan

         HARVEY

I wish you box office, Bette.  We start a tour soon, and see how America reacts.

         BETTE

You too, Harvey.  We’re doing our talk show tour.   And it has been exhausting!

IT’S DRAINING BETTE - Tune of IT’S RAINING MEN from PRISCILLA

Hi

- Hi!

We're your Theater Geek chorus

- Uh-huh -

And we’ll be watching Bette on the View

- You gotta watch!

Get ready, all you Broadway fans

and leave that umbrage behind.

- All right! -

Familiarity is rising –

Resistance getting low

According to our sources

(anonymous sources, now)

Your den’s the place to go

Yes, tonight like this morning

There on your TV set

It’s the tenth time since yesterday

And the schedule’s draining Bette.

It's Draining Bette! Talking to ya! –

It's Draining Bette! You bet!

She’s gonna go on, gonna tete a tete

With everyone she’s ever met!

It's Draining Bette! Talking to ya!

It's Draining Bette! Get her a Sucret!

Gabs, claps, laughs and cries

Talks and hawks and kvells and sighs

God bless the Divine One,

she has brought us quite a show

She took quite a risk here

and now she wants all of us to go

She gives notes each night now,

she’s serving as a guide

So that everyone who sees it

can dance along with pride

It's Draining Bette! Talking to ya! –

It's Draining Bette! You bet!

It's Draining Bette! Talking to ya! –

It's Draining Bette! You bet!

I see our great diva sell her show 

(Watch that girl go)

See the diva wheedle and cajole 

(Maybe one day she’ll play a role)

Oh it’s draining Bette, yeah!\\

(mood gets mock-quiet and important, tune of THE ROSE.

 MICHAEL and SUSAN wave llghters.)

Some think love, it is a blogger

Who gives your show a tweet

Some think love, it is a chatter

Who says your show is neat

Some think love, it is a stranger

With bravos to repeat

I think love, it is a buyer

Who bought a premium seat

It’s the seat sold for a fraction

Of its listed ticket cost

That should spring you into action

Over revenue that’s lost.

Yes, I know there’s satisfaction

The show’s spirit doesn’t quit.

But it takes demand for premium

To make a mega-hit

When there’s shnorrer after shnorrer

Who bought at T-K-T-S,

And you thinking of the horror

That you might just need the press,

Just remember, call Miss Midler

She’ll lay on the needed dose

Of the sass that on the talk shows

In the spring will up the gross

(Bette does some grand movements about the seriousness of the show .)

Please join me in a moment of prayer, that there will be peace and tolerance – for both drag shows on Broadway.

         (EVERYONE ONSTAGE)

When the mezz is full of slackers

Who all used T-K-T-S

And you’re thinking of the backers

Who all long for great success

Just call on your secret weapon

Down to earth and grandiose

She is here on all the talk shows

In the spring to up The Gross

          MICHAEL

And I hear you’re so taken with the business side, Bette, that you’re playing an agent in your next show.

          BETTE

Right you are.  Hit it.  It's a tribute to Sue Mengers, the best agent there was, because everyone cares deeply about our agents!

(tune of BOOGIE WOOGIE BUGLE BOY)

Sue was a brilliant boffo agent in the movie biz

And who can really do her justice, well, gee whiz

Sue was the top-most of her field

And so when casting came up,

The perfect name was revealed

To play the power woman of the Hills of Beverly

They chose the Boogie-Woogie Broad 

Whose name begins with a B

It’s true, it’s true,

It’s true that she’ll play Sue

And she’ll be great in the part,

No one like Midler

She’s ready to do the eight shows

And she’s been great since Fiddler

The one who’ll stun and hon she’ll gross quite heavily

The one who’ll stun and hon she’ll gross quite heavily

She’s the Boogie Woogie Babe Whose name begins with a B

            MICHAEL

We’ll be back after this pause for station identification.  I have no idea why we have those identification breaks when we’re on PBS. 

            HARVEY (noticing that SUSAN is crying.)

Oh, Susan, you are such a softie.   All that talk of grosses and discounts really got to you.

            SUSAN

No, look at this email.

            HARVEY

PBS is only guaranteeing you another year.  Does Michael know?

            SUSAN

I’m sure he got the email too. 

            HARVEY

Do you want me to hang out?  Would that make you feel better?

            SUSAN

No, you’ve got to change into your character for the next segment.

            HARVEY

Oh, that’s right.

THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER

Welcome back to Theater Chatter, with our next segment “MotownGirls:  From the Apollo to Broadway”, and here again are your hosts Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with Motown Girls composer Henry Krieger,  director Bobby Longbottom, Tony winner Rita Whitebread, and the revival’s line producer Beyonce Knowles. [not realizing mic still on]  Oh my God, it’s really that Beyonce, girl!

         MICHAEL

And Susan and I are indeed talking with Beyonce and the rest of you, too.  You did the movie of MotownGirls, now you're spearheading the move of the Broadway show.  Are you excited?  That’s like Oprah with Color Purple, and Bette with Priscilla. 

         SUSAN

Aren’t you afraid people will expect to see you in it?

         BEYONCE

During previews, I’ll be giving notes every day, twice on matinee days.  Then, we’ll have a life-size photo area by the concession stand, which will look as if I were right there with you.           [possible gag: Cardboard cut-out of Beyonce appears to illustrate.]

         HENRY

She’s had such wonderful ideas for marketing, and she’s been meeting with money people.   MotownGirls is such an ensemble show onstage.

         MICHAEL

In other words, you couldn’t get a big star on the stage doing all your killer great songs eight times a week?

         BEYONCE & HENRY  (IT TAKES STARS TO MAKE THEM BUY-

          (tune of HARD TO SAY GOODBYE – Beyonce version from Dreamgirls )

We didn't get those big names.

We have to depend on talent now,

And we were finding it pointless,

No stars to give it that wow.

It looked so good for a long time.

The art came together so well.

Everyone’s working so great with each other;

But we’ve got no Denzel.

It takes stars to make them buy, my love.

Stars to tell them why, my love.

Why they should spend wild and free

When they're not sure who they’re gonna see.

It’s such a shame, it ain’t no lie

That without a name, it’s hard to make them buy

SUSAN (in an aside to Michael)

That’s it, Michael.  You heard them, too?  Stars make them buy.  We can’t have Theatre Chatter hanging on season to season.  I called the station, they gave us a fundraising week of time that would be dead otherwise.  You’ll use your connections and we’ll get the biggest names -

           

MICHAEL

Great idea, I’ll get on it

            SUSAN

Of the people you haven’t upset in the paper.  And I’ll call in whatever favors I can.

            MICHAEL

We rise again!  Full size again!  It’s not where we start, it’s where we finish!  Nobody does it like us!  Fun, laughs, good times! Hey, look us over, mortgaged up to here!  Wait, that last one’s not the right upbeat musical comedy image

            (Song continues with ENTIRE CAST)

Folks like to blame the downturn,

Something facts won’t allow.

When a show had Hugh or Scarlett.

They all found lots of cash somehow.

Three hundred or four hundred

Money from who knows where

But no matter how high it may go

You’ve got stars, the bucks will be there

It takes stars to make them buy, my love.

Who would even try, my love.

Broadway buzz is oh so poor

Without that thing they call the lure.

Got a great play?  Your close friends will try

If you comp them in, but it’s stars that make them buy

         SUSAN (on phone)

Patti, that’s right, we’re doing an auction on our show, to keep our show going.  You must have a few things laying around that you can’t use.

          MICHAEL (on phone)

Jerry, yes, I know, and we’ll build a special segment around your songs.  Susan and I love Dolly, Mame,  La Cage, Susan loves The Grand Tour, huh, what do I think of it…

          SUSAN (on phone)

You can get me Susan Boyle?  How did you swing that?  What can she auction off, though?  OK, we’ll have her do a makeover during the show and auction off the old wig and outfit.

         MICHAEL

It’s coming together,  Susan.  We’re buying ourselves at least another year.   Thank you, Beyonce!  Hope you’ll come back during our auction week, too.

            BEYONCE

If I’m not too busy.

         BEYONCE & CAST

It’s such a shame, it ain’t no  lie

That without a name, it’s hard to make them buy

If you don’t have those big names

Lower chance of survival

If you don’t have those big names

You’ll be dead on arrival

(It's so hard, baby, with no stars.

 Yeah, it's so hard, baby, with no stars)

                     

(They blow kisses )    (
Some time has passed.  It's the TV show's Auction Week fundraiser)

  

       THE TV SHOW’S ANNOUNCER        

Back in the Theater Chatter Studio, here are Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, with their special guests for some Broadway Shmoozin’ with Michael and Susan, our extra special Auction Week spectacular, Patti LaBelle, now in FELA, and Patti LuPone, now in Sweeney. 

         MICHAEL

And we are here, and we are – back from station identification.  We’re in our phone-in fundraising special week of Theater Chatter, so as Lady Gaga says, start calling, start calling. 

         SUSAN (mysteriously)

Will she be on later?  You never know what big stars will stop by!

         MICHAEL

That’s a surprise.  Michael Needle and Susan Haskins, bookended by two great divas.  Why exactly do we have you booked together?  And for a segment with a lot of emphasis on Jerry Herman, for which neither of you is known.

         PATTI LUPONE

I was supposed to do Hello Dolly, and I memorized the part, and you know me, I never throw anything away.  And you, LaBelle, I’d say we must be side by side in someone’s Rolodex, but who has a Rolodex? 

        PATTI  LABELLE

My agent does.  He gets calls for you all the time anyway!  And he said if I were doing Beverly Hills Cop, I wouldn’t need back-up.  But in this case, more people would watch about FELA  if we got you on same time as me.  

        PATTI  LUPONE.

Who is this agent?  He sounds smart. Can he book Sweeney at Ceasars? (waits for the laugh) Hmm, your writers were sure that would get a laugh.  Can I make it up to you for that little joke by singing with you?

        PATTI  LABELLE

Try and stop you.

         MICHAEL

And remember, get to the phones, because for our highest bidder, she’s auctioning off a package with two – that’s right, actually two – you get a whole pair - tickets to the fun-filled Fela

        PATTI  LABELLE

And gluten-free dinner afterwards.  Get to Ma Bell, and get to see LA-Belle.

        SUSAN

Patti LaBelle and Patti LuPone try to get you to Le Phone with their take on -

        PATTI  LABELLE

A special Marmalade and New Attitude medley

        PATTI  LUPONE

This really sets up phoning in and the bidding on auction items – you see in the lyric there, Michael?

         MICHAEL

I love when a number is so on the nose your teeth start to ache.

        PATTI  LUPONE

Here, I brought you some Anbesol, Michael honey!  Your writers told me you were going to say that line about your teeth aching.  They love me!  They keep me prepared for you!

          PATTI  LABELLE

Here we go!  OK, come on down and see FELA.  At the O’Neill, we won’t do Marmalade, we won’t do “Over the Rainbow” lying flat on our back, we won’t do “Not While I’m Around” -

        PATTI  LUPONE

I do that one in my show!  (She looks around, as if “aren’t we Patti L’s amazing together/”)

        PATTI  LABELLE

Here’s another one we don’t do.  So please don’t yell for it at FELA, but – I promise, some Broadway show in the future, we’ll get less serious – but bid on the two all-diva Patti’s  package and have a Rich attitude, instead of that Poor Attitude, and here’s why - 

            (PATTI & PATTI - POOR ATTITUDE, tune of NEW ATTITUDE)

Michael here, Susan there

They work so hard running everywhere

They work extreeeeeeme-ly hard

In person Mike’s so nice, so swell

You better not be giving ‘em hell

That’s quite a team     (both of them!)

You spent some time out on stage

One thing that you learn

The folks on this show are worth each penny they earn

Look it here, I don’t mean to be rude

Let’s start the bidding, hope you’re now in the mood

Pick up the phone and spend it, dude

Don’t have a Poor Attitude

It’s pretty cheap, what you get will include -

A chance to join the stars of Sweeney for food

Who, who, who, who, who’d    [LuPone fake-holds a cleaver as in Sweeney]

Chase off your Poor Attitude

         (Segue into LADY MARMALADE)

OK, here we go! 

Come on get the phone sister,

phone sister, phone sister

Come on get the phone sister,

phone sister, phone sister

Fela’s switchin’ switchin’ divas

Yes, your diva is La Belle

Pick up those darn phone receivers

Don’t lose out, you missed Denzel

(get audience clapping maybe)

Come and see the play avec moi, ce soir

Come out to the play avec moi

Marmalade will earn a wad.

Come on get the phone sister, phone sister, phone sister

Come on get the phone sister, phone sister, phone sister

Phone, sister, phone, sister

Honey get your get your Visa

See FELA and see SWEENEY TODD

Baby, let this diva squeeze a

Tidy sum for Marmalade             [hit the rhyme]

Come and see the play avec moi, ce soir

Come on out and play avec moi

Marmalade will earn a lot!

(end of number)

        

          PATTI  LABELLE

Ooh, that felt good.  Hope that gets my disco people to the phones so you guys can earn even more money for Theater Chatter and keep you on the air - and Michael, maybe get you on TV even more, where everyone loves the in-person you! And Patti, I’ll be doing your back-up next time - voulez vous chantez avec moi. 

        PATTI  LUPONE

Not too shabby for back-up, right?

         MICHAEL

Wonderful, Patti.  Now, remind us again, LaBelle, the incredibly generous prize from your FELA producers you’ve been auctioning off for our fund raiser 

        PATTI  LABELLE

I have two tickets for FELA.  Oh, but wait, Michael – there’s also  a special visit backstage.

         SUSAN

In your dressing room?  That’s very special for someone who doesn’t get to do that normally -

        PATTI  LABELLE

Of course.  Photo ops.  You’ll be there too, won’t you, Michael and Susan? 

        PATTI  LUPONE

I won’t be able to.  I’ll be doing my show and it’s longer than yours, but you all can drop by my theater and we’ll all go out afterwards. If someone’s paying and it’s free publicity, my whole cast would love it.   Just tell our doorman it’s Patti L’s group there for Patti L.  There has never been a better cast full of –

         MICHAEL

Schnorrers?

        PATTI  LUPONE

No, Michael - troupers!  They act, play instruments, and do photo-ops to sell tickets to a wonderful show.  Free food just helps their attitude. 

        PATTI  LABELLE

We’ve got to get you into the ad jingle world.  Or Vegas,          

MICHAEL

I thought you were also going to auction off one of your trademark wigs.

        PATTI  LABELLE

I was going to, but then LuPone there brought in all her good stuff, and there’s no way I’m going to get outbid on national TV.

         SUSAN

I remember.  In Patti LuPone Live, you did a bit about taking things from the shows on closing nights, basically:  (reading)  "I steal costumes from every show I'm in. I steal costumes, I steal jewelry, I steal wigs. I'm surprised I leave the scenery."

         MICHAEL

As if you ever didn’t chew scenery

        PATTI  LUPONE

What’s that you said, Michael?  (he shrugs.)  I didn’t think so. 

        PATTI  LABELLE

I’m going to go warm up.   FELA at the O’Neill, brilliant show, stunning reviews, but serious themes, so seats available.  Please come. 

         SUSAN

LaBelle, ladies and gentlemen, big hand!  And don’t forget to call and bid, two tickets to FELA, which she just made sound so valuable and hard to get.

        PATTI  LUPONE (very quickly)

And then right after the show, dinner with LaBelle and LuPone, two all-diva Pattis and we’ll get our cast members to come along.  It’s a Patti Party!!!

         MICHAEL

A Patti Party – you’re good!

        PATTI  LUPONE

Who’s paying for that dinner, by the way?  Does the winner pay?  or Theatre Chatter?

         MICHAEL

We’ll work that out.  The divas are in the details.  It’s about fundraising this week.  Outflow comes next week.  So show us the stuff you’ve got to sell.

        PATTI LUPONE

Ah, stuff is my middle name.  You know that.  Jerry Herman did this special bit for me when they announced my HELLO DOLLY production.  It fell apart after they bought the props, but I had in my contract that I still got the stuff, so bid on what you see while I sing about - the stuff.

            (Tune of JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME)

I have always been a diva who acquires things,

There’s a tchotchke and right home with me it goes.

I have always been a diva who acquires things,

Like jewelry, accessories and clothes.

If those outfits aren’t needed,

I will take the one that’s beaded:

Just give anything to me.

If you’ve got an extra bonnet,

watch as I swoop down upon it

Just give anything to me.

If those spats are slightly ratty,

that is quite OK with Patti

I will take it if it’s free

If that hat is kind of faded,

that is fine ‘cause I’m not jaded

Wonder what all this could get on ebay

Just give anything to me

(Michael)  - Where to, Patti?

(Patti)  - To the prop room, to make sure there isn’t anything they may have – accidentally - left behind

(Michael)  - Gonna take any of it home, Patti?

(Patti) - Why, Mr. Riedelander, whatever put such a nefarious idea into my head—oops, your head!)

If you have an extra hammer,

give it up, the heck with glamour:

Just give everything to me.

If you have a lacy hanky,

so it’s dirty, I’m not cranky:

Just give everything to me.

If you have a trolley cushion,

pardon me if I am pushin’,

That would fit me to a T.

If a trinket can be lifted,

used again, and then re-gifted--

Don't be afraid kids,

I’m the last to leave, so I’ll clean up!

I will talk about it on the talk shows

I will brag about it with bravado

I'll remember it in all my memoirs

Just –

Give anything to me! 

            SUSAN

Wow, bidding went through the roof during your number, Patti.  Could you come back again later in the week?

            PATTI  LUPONE (exiting)

Mandy will be on tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll come back and do a number with him.  He’s stopping by soon, I’ll talk to him about a duet. 

            SUSAN

Thank you.  Say thank you to Patti, Michael.  Michael!  (notices letter in his hand)  What’s that?  Look in your hand!  What’s the letter?

       LAWYER LETTER READ ALOUD

Dear Michael, As Executor of your Aunt’s will, you should know she was proud of your TV persona and worried to hear that Theater Chatter was having funding trouble.  It leaves the show enough money to keep "Theater Chatter" running for the next 20 years.  But it's contingent on Michael gaining forgiveness of some of the people who would no longer talk to him after he dissed them in the paper,  If you can get them on the TV program, and to sit through the full interview without walking out, Theater Chatter gets the $2,000,000 to run the next 20 years!  

            SUSAN

So let’s see, are all these people really upset with you: 

  The producers of Thomas's Promises, upset about your attitude over throwing in songs from other shows

   The producers of The Merchandise of Venice with Al Pacino, you know the problem

  The entire cast of Huge Jackman: Big on Broadway; all the stars of that show hate you

  Barry & Fran – producers of Chicago, where you dissed Christie Brinkley sight unseen

                      

             ANNOUNCER

And we’re back on the air -

              SUSAN (as Michael is transfixed by the letter)

And now ladies and gentlemen, if what you’ve already seen didn’t send you to the phones, this will.  The biggest star of 2010, the true rags to riches story of these economic hard times – She dreamed a dream of days gone by – and she may even auction off a “before” frock - from before one of her many makeovers, so don’t let the chance go by to phone in and make our dream happen –

Here’s Miss Susan Boyle!

SUSAN BOYLE

They laughed at first when I looked real dumpy

But look at me I'm no longer frumpy

And that's how hot I feel

Last year I worked as a baby sitter

Now Elaine Page is here on my twitter      

Yeah,  that's how hot I feel

I sang from Les Miserab

Now I drive a brand new Saab

Used to drive a Chevy

I hit the top and I kept on climbin’

I’ll never stop all because of Simon

And his big record deal (Ooh!)

Aw honey 'cause that's how hot I feel

I told ‘em I dreamed a dream

Guess the dream wasn’t too extreme

(others:  Her rotation’s heavy)

Biggest seller now in the nation

Then fly to Rome for a visitation

And ride the Pope-mobile

Aw honey ‘cause that’s how hot I feel

(others:  That’s how hot she feels, yeah!)

         MICHAEL (not thinking through that he’s still on the air)

Hmm, this last one I can get rid of right now.  I’d love to be able to stop toadying up to these people for things to bid on for money, and just toady up for interviews.  That Barry and Fran column on Christie Brinkley was all a big misunderstanding.  That wasn’t a bad column.  I just said they were more interested in her first for money than her voice.  It’s a  - well, a fact.

         SUSAN

Michael, we’re on the air.  Besides, the title of the article was:  “UPTOWN GIRL OR UPCHUCK GIRL – PUTTING THE GROSS IN WEEKLY GROSS”

          MICHAEL (running off to take care of this)

Susan, I did not write that title.   I’m on it right now.  I’ll have them on our show next week.  We’ll have one out the four we need before you can say “Razzle dazzle.”

         SUSAN (calls after him)

Michael, Michael.  After the show!  This is not part of the deal.  You’re not supposed to leave… me… alone out here.   What should we do?

         ANNOUNCER

You could, maybe, interview a guest.

         SUSAN

Without Michael?

         ANNOUNCER

You used to do it before Theater Chatter started?  I’ll see if Susan Boyle is done with her touch-up.

         SUSAN

Michael, hurry back, I miss you already.

AT BARRY & FRAN WEISSLER'S OFFICE AT THE PIANO

         MICHAEL               [“Barry” can be the pianist]

Barry, Fran, Christie Brinkley, oh my God, Christie, I still can't believe you really came to this meeting?

{in his mind back in high school}   Hey, Mr. Grazer from gym class, who’s  a jerk-off now?  

[back to Christie]  You see, Miss Brinkley, this video shows beyond a shadow of a doubt I really don’t write the headlines. 


         FRAN

Nice summation, Michael.  Possible Billy Flynn for the Vegas company, Barry, maybe?  I'll have the guys at Casting Couch call you to set up a call back.

         CHRISTIE

And the nasty editor guy who wrote that title of the article won’t be at the TV taping?

         MICHAEL

I promise!      [They all cheer.]

            (UPTURN GIRL , tune of UPTOWN GIRL - Christie  in ”Chicago”)

Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Upturn Girl,

Christie’s rocking our investors’ world

We’d had a lot of times our weekly nut

May have suggested it was time to shut

It scared us but -

Now our Upturn Girl

Will get the audience from ‘round the world

As long as Christie’s here to sell a seat

No way we’re going downward in defeat

That's what we’ll tweet

And soon she’ll know what

The press will opi-i-ine

And soon she’ll hear

If they cheer or they whi-i-ine

She'll know if after all

She should stay

On through fall

She’s our Upturn Girl

You know that Barry likes to be a churl

But Barry’s smiling in our fifteenth year

And praying Christie will want to appear

When summer’s here

Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Dough-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Upturn Girl, There’s our Upturn Girl

Our gross will mean love

For our Upturn Girl

Our Upturn Girl, You know they’re in love

With our Upturn Girl

POSSIBLE ACT BREAK

ACT II

            ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen, Bono and cast members of Spider-Man.

      (to tune of DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS)

It’s critics time,

there’s reason to be afraid

At critics time,

There’s lots of cash that can be made

And though we’re risking plenty,

You can see our smile of joy

Throw our love at the press at critics time

Let’s take a sec, look at some other shows

At the same time, ignored, some are scared they’ll close

There’s so much to see on stage now,

But producers really fear

That the only bad publicity’s

When they don’t know you’re here

And when the press really dissed us

What a true box office gem

Well, right now, we’re glad it’s us instead of them

And we will not kvetch and suffer, as the grosses climb

The greatest gift they gave us was their knocks

The people heard them groan

Then bought by net or phone

Do they think they’re hurting us at all?

F-T-D!  Send bouquets to everyone!

S-N-L!  Their dumb bit was really fun!

Do they think they’re dissing us at all?

Feed the coffers!  Let them laugh as grosses climb!

Feed our families!  Happy there’s another slime!

Feed the trolls!  Let them laugh at critics time!

Bless their souls!  No one cares, the grosses climb!

ANNOUNCER

We’re in the second hour of our auction.  And remember we have so many wonderful things for you to bid on.

            PATTI LUPONE    (Tune of ANYTHING GOES)

(verse)

Patti sings:

Tell the followers on your blog

Tell your friends at your synagogue

Tell the people who walk your dog

Such great things:

Buy yourself a delightful gem

Patti knows you’ll sleep like a log

Knowing you supported them        [SUSAN HOLD UP/POINTS TO ITEMS AS POSSIBLE]

A golden plated movie tchothcke

That Garbo used in Ninotchka

And it’s hand blown

Everyone, phone!

You want to dress just like Morticia would!

Or smell good like Charles Isherwood!

Times cologne!                    [Susan holds up the bottle]

Everyone phone!

You want Wicked tickets quick

Or some Rudnick shtick

Songs for Sammy Glick

A dog and pony trick

And maybe for a kick

You might choose to pick

A late brunch with LuPone

Sit second row for Meryl’s daughter

Or watch Sutton do Cole Pawter

That girl has grown

Everyone phone

Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone phone!

Buy grandmamma a date with Gavin

Or top bidder joins Ms. Lavin

To share a scone!

Everyone phone

Come bid on Jon Groff’s acting lesson

A gift that would sure impress any guys I’ve known

Everyone phone

We’ve got so much stuff today

Though it’s tough today

Buy a muff today

Or a puff today

Or a cuff today

But enough today

Hope it’s stuff you wanna  own

And so right there celebs are sitting

To answer when you start  bidding,

To set the tone–

Everyone phone

Everyone phone!!!!!

Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone phone!

(end of number)

         SUSAN  the host (not on the air, spoken to announcer)

Is Susan Boyle ready yet?

         ANNOUNCER

Not yet, Claudia in wardrobe is having fun with accessories.  But you’ll love it, this will help raise big money for sure, we’ll sell the things after she wears them.  And she’s coordinating her with Lea – shoot, I gave away the surprise.  I mean, she’s coordinating her with, oh fart, just keep going, you’re doing fine, our Susan.

         SUSAN (into phone)

Kristin is here, Michael.  She says she was just pretending to be really mad at you for talking about the added numbers in print five times in one week, so your aunt was right but she's got a theater to fill, so we can count on her to act annoyed at you on TV about it any time we want – so she’d be an easy one of the five.    Her producers might be another story, they were very mad.  

         MICHAEL (into phone)

So I’ve got Christie Brinkley and her producers of Chicago Barry and Fran Weissler!  You’ve got Kristin committed, and I bet she’ll get her producers to love us too!  That’s 2 out of 5!  We’re on our way!  Hey, should I be calling anyone to at least be mourning this generous dear departed aunt?  No, there’s not even a name of the next of kin or funeral info on the lawyer’s letter.

         KRISTIN

Really, Susan, if I had a dollar for every reporter who talked about those added numbers.  This is so nice, though, isn't it?  I get to talk so much more than when Michael’s here. 

         SUSAN

Of course, you’ve brought in  some clothing from Target for viewers to bid on.   There must be a story here.

            KRISTIN

Yes there is.  Anyway, I'd better save the other thing to complain about for when Michael is back, so now I'll tell you about what it's like shooting an ad for Target.  


             SUSAN (picking up the cue)

We should mention again these items you at home are so generously bidding on are part of their  exciting "Free to be you and me, so everybody dress like everyone else" promotion.


            KRISTIN

I don't understand the concept, but it's buying me a great condo on the East Side.  And I got to spend the whole day with that theme song, which I do love, but all day long - it's like It's A Small World After All at Disney World - but hey, since we're selling their clothes, you want to hear the number, though?  


            SUSAN

I see you did the ad in a Broadway theater setting, and made the song about going to shows with little kids.


      (BOTH LADIES, maybe with back-up  - tune of FREE TO BE YOU AND ME)

I am glad theaters do

Keep out kids who are two

And how could shows be fun

If they allowed kids of one

But at three I submit

Kids still don’t care a whit

And I slide into my reverie

To a land

with no kicking spree

Where they’ve banned

climbing me like a tree

Oh how grand

if the theater could be

Where kids of three

Will never be

Next to me

I love theatre, I do

Of all kinds, yes it’s true

And I’m glad parents bring kids of eight, seven too

But when kids are too small

Oh it casts such a pall

It’s the theater, oh gee, not TV

I can’t stand

when the toddlers run free

I can’t stand

when they drum with their knee

I can’t stand

when they drool on me

I can’t stand

when their mom lets them pee

Oh how grand

if the theater could be

Where kids of three

Will never be

(Where kids of three will never be)

Where kids of three will never be

Next to me

 (end of number)

         SUSAN  (as Kristin goes off)

Kristin will be back for another segment, I hope with her forgiving producers.  Aaaand, we’re on a station break.  (into phone) Yes, control room, what’s that?  Susan Boyle is still not ready?  What happened, is she having plastic surgery or something?  [moment]  Seriously.  You’re giving her collagen backstage.  Are we licensed for that? [moment]  We are?  How about insurance?   I can’t kill time like this.  I’m out of practice. Totally out of practice!

        PATTI  LUPONE (entering)

Mandy’s waiting with our families backstage, but we can hang out and keep you company until Michael gets back. (calling out)  Mandy, I know you’re not scheduled for the show until tomorrow, do you mind doing a preview of what you’re doing on tomorrow’s show?

         MANDY (over speakers)

I’d rather not sing anything I have planned for tomorrow.  Only because I’ve got my auction stuff tied to my numbers for tomorrow's show.   But I’d love to help out.  Hey, do you think we can get Susan Boyle to do a few numbers with us at Avery Fisher Hall next week?  Triplets, maybe?  That's Entertainment?

        PATTI  LUPONE

Shh, I’m doing a number with her later.  She’d love to.  But that Simon Cowell think we’re “too Broadway” - can you imagine?  LuPone and Patinkin, too Broadway?

         MANDY

Where’s Michael? 

         SUSAN

His aunt died.   So he’s trying to make up with Hugh Jackman and get him on the show as soon as possible,   It’s what his aunt wanted.  [They don’t believe her.]  It’s in the will!   Look!




At Anxious McIndoes.  HUGH JACKMAN with MICHAEL. 

         HUGH JACKMAN  (entering)

I know, Michael. I know.  My agent was so mad at you  and wouldn’t let me be on your show.  Why was there ever a misunderstanding?  

         MICHAEL

Maybe my column suggested just a little tiny bit of price gouging.  But they were, I mean, really gouging, weren’t they?  Even the Wall Street Journal said so?

            (tune of DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING from LES MIZ )

(BOTH SING)

Do you hear the loud ka-ching?

It’s the stampede of Jackman fans

They are reaching for their mouses

And they’re making costly plans

Hear the flutter of their heart

As they all pay the princely sums

For their life really seems to start

When Hugh Jackman comes!

Will you pay all you can pay

To bring a record sales advance

Some will need row double-A

Where their Hugh might give them a glance

And that’s just for starters!

He might bring them on stage to dance

Do you see the people spend?

They need him close to keep them sane

They’ve believed that he’s their friend

Since front row at A Steady Rain

Hear the thrill brought to their lives

As they are paying princely sums

For their excitement only arrives

When Hugh Jackman comes!

            Segue into I GO TO RIO (Hugh Jackman as Peter Allen version)

             (Fans dance on)

When Hugh Jackman,

When Hugh Jackman does his show

I raid my Keogh

For dinero

Got a pair-oh

Way upstairs was all they had left at the B.O.

Would we see – oh?

Oh I’m not the kind of person

who cares much about good seats

‘cause it’s prestigious, that’s egregious

But a party that might work real great

won’t always translate

to the mezzanine,

So – oh –oh -oh

when Hugh Jackman

When Hugh Jackman takes the stage

I pay the fee-oh

I don’t care-oh

Found row G-oh

When Hugh Jackman does a show

It seems to lighten up my purse

I got row B at last

What a cast!

         SUSAN (into the phone)

This is it!  I found it, Michael!  His agent had railed at you, for making fun of how Hugh raised his charity money.  But the agent  reps a current show and I'm sure he really needs you to like him now. You can fix it.   That $2,000,000 is almost ours.

            Tune of LULLABY OF BWAY (from Hugh Jackman Back on Bway)

Come on along and look at you (Hugh)

Change what they buy on Broadway

The sweaty belts and tank tops, too

That’s what they buy on Broadway

Let’s watch as Hugh is taking bids

I mean the guy’s on fire

The happy fans all flip their lids

As bids keep going higher

As the Jackman babies spend their dough

A brand new record’s dawning

The guy puts on a great post-show

He’s always on

Good price, rich folks

Good price, Jackman knows the way

Great fun, rich folks

Great fun, not too much to pay

Look at all the sweat they buy

On Hugh’s Broadway!


        

        BACK TO THE STUDIO

         ANNOUNCER

Here she is, the breakout international star of 2010, Susan Boyle,

(SUSAN BOYLE enters, MICHAEL behind her taking his seat.)

        PATTI  LUPONE

Susan, what a lovely outfit.

         SUSAN BOYLE  (fake-fake-fake over-acting nervous)

Miss LuPone, I originally sang this song with Miss Elaine Page and I was wondering…

        PATTI  LUPONE

Oh you took so long getting dressed, and you and I rehearsed the damn thing, let’s just do it, honey, cut the fake chatter, you’re the "Top Ten Pop Chart" name and the whole world knows it.

     (SUSAN BOYLE and PATTI LUPONE – I Know Him So Well)

Nothing is so good we don’t get sick of it,

Even tales of riches out of rags,

And this one kept me in the thick of it,

Hearing far too much, it now just drags,

Looking back, it might have played out differently,

Could have been a subtler, softer sell

But that is not the case when Cowell’s involved,

Goodness gracious no, I know her well

Wasn't it fun

(Oh such fun)

When she appeared?

(Oh appeared)

They were all gobsmacked,

The shock seemed weird

And now my friend

I need a little bit

Of distance my dear,

It has become so clear,

(Each time I see her all made over)

I know her too well

         (bow and PATTI  LUPONE and SUSAN BOYLE hug, wipe tears away and exit.)

         SUSAN

Michael, where were you? I was dying out here.

         MICHAEL.

Oh please.  I was watching you on my phone.  You were doing great.

    

         SUSAN

Thank you for coming, Kristin.  That was a great show. And your package for our auction was a great seller. 

         KRISTIN

Michael, you guys have always been good to me.  Well, Susan, you have.  And Michael, you’ve come around since I’ve been famous.  But be good to my friends and producers too, OK?  I’m always here for them – and you.  

         MICHAEL

Is that a quid pro quo

         KRISTIN

Like one hand washes the other?   {She kisses  both, Michael on both cheeks, and leaves.}

         MICHAEL

You see, if we get my dead aunt’s two million, we don’t have to wash hands.

         SUSAN

Okay, so Barry and Fran are booked with Christie Brinkley.  Hugh Jackman wanted to be here tomorrow but I told him keep his shirt on, no, of course he’s booked and he’ll be on tomorrow.  And Kristin will come on and yell at you whenever you like, but she has to talk the show’s producers into making peace with you . 

         MICHAEL

Can we get one of those score boards like in “1776” if this ever moves to a bigger venue?

So we’ve got the Promises producers, and Merchandise of Venice and Pacino.  So what got the producers at PROMISES upset again?

         SUSAN

This might not be as easy.  Kristin’s OK about it, but the producers feel you covered it too often.  Here’s this anonymous behind-the-scenes source quoted by you, about the need to make Fran Kubelik an equal lead wih C.C. Baxter because the people playing them are at least equal star names:

                  (tune of "I Say a Little Prayer for You")

(Ooh, ooh, ooh)

Her part is too short now

And we’ve got her fans to court now

We’ve got to give her more to do

The plot may need twistin’

But those guys just love their Kristin

We gotta give her more to do

Forever and ever

Expanding her part is oh oh so very

Clever, so clever, it’s really so smart, oh how they’d love it

A clever endeavor, the best place to start right now

Is make her a full total co-equal lead

Does this sound too perky -

A solo on Turkey Lurkey

Would please the fans and Brantley too

My gay cousin Ralphie

Says change the lead’s name to Alfie

And she could sing it on The View

Forever and ever

Expanding her part is oh oh so very

Clever, so clever, it’s really so smart, oh how they’d love it

A clever endeavor, do we know a way (oh how it would pay)

To set the show in San Jose?

The part’s still too small now

Her fans they still text and call now

We got to find her more to do

So now, if it ties in

A medley from Lost Horizon

Liv's circle song would be a coup

Forever and ever

Expanding her part is oh oh so very

Clever, so clever, it’s really so smart, oh how they’d love it

A clever endeavor, do we know a way (oh how it would pay)

To set the show in San Jose?

         SUSAN

OK, that one may be tough.  They were really unhappy about that having slipped out like that and never did an interview with you since then..

         MICHAEL

Yeah. that may be a toughie, this is a real nail-biter, so much at stake.  That could be a wild card.  OK, then maybe good old Al.  Merchandise of Venice.  All I said about him was that the summer run was a cover for the later Broadway run.  Why would that have upset Pacino?

         SUSAN (reading)

Hmm…This production brings with it a fear never seen before on Broadway, of being too close when Mr. Pacino explodes with intensity, but still needing to see the show.  TOO close?  TOO close?  He was made fun of because of that.

         (SHYLOCK – tune of SKYLARK)

Shylock -

Have you anything back in row Z

I can’t handle such intensity

But in my world I can’t exist

If friends know that I have missed -

Shylock

Just row E, and just five-hundred each

I could put in plugs for each big speech

But I’d prefer seats far away

Need to say I saw the play

Maybe rear mezzanine

When he starts to get treated mean

The shouting will be

Faint as a normal guy

Gentle as a hum

Heck, I’d even pay you premium

For Shylock

My friends saw the show in Central Park

They got rattled by Pacino’s bark

Could they set up a folding chair

And then seat me there

         SUSAN

And here’s a throwaway crack by you  at their using Al to push the Public’s season to subscribers.  Maybe he googled himself.  In context it’s totally fine, it’s in the middle of a love letter to him.  But by itself, I don’t know.

Shylock - 

Have you any extra time to spend

We were hoping that you might extend

There might be revenue we’ve missed

Lets’ rake it in hand over fist

Oh Shylock

We could bring in lots of green in spring

With the tourists March and April bring

Over the Easter student break

Think of the grosses we would make

And if you really can’t

Many won’t hear the music as you rant

Soul-crushing ranting

Plaintive as Serpico’s lisp

Raving like a loon

Sad if it isn’t remembered in June

Shylock, I don't know if you can find a way

But we beg and plead for you to stay

You’re at the top and in  your prime

Let’s squeeze out each dime

         MICHAEL

I know we can get Al on our side.  It’s just showing him our context.  That’s pretty much a win.  I think with these two, it’s just a matter of waiting until they have something new to plug, a little time to pass.  People will forget I’m the mean guy with the Spider-Man stories and we’ll be a regular stop on everyone’s press list and interview rounds again.  

         HARVEY FIERSTEIN

That’s just so beautiful.  Two of my favorite people. 

         MICHAEL (interrupting)

Harvey!  What are you doing here? You’re performing from “La Cage” for us?

         HARVEY

No, I’m here to rehearse with Daniel Radcliffe.  We’re planning a big finale celebrating your having that inflow of cash assuring you’re on the air for twenty more years.  Assuming everything works out.   Oops, I’m not supposed to know about that, am I?

         SUSAN

Harvey, did you say twenty years?  How’d you know the exact amount of time the will was paying for?

         HARVEY

Uh, I might have had an affair with your aunt’s lawyer.  I might be your aunt’s lawyer.  Yeah, that’s it - I’m, uh, your aunt’s lawyer’s husband.

         MICHAEL

Harvey!  You’re my dead aunt?  Thank you!

         HARVEY

Our foundation had forty-million dollars that had to be given out to TV programs, I don’t know why but it did.  There aren’t that many non-profit shows.  You guys lucked out.  Look, there’s Dan Radcliffe – Mr,. Harry Potter himself - and the guys from How to Receive Your Business in our number.

          (MOTHER LODE OF FANS, tune of BROTHERHOOD OF MAN)

     (sung to DANIEL RADCLIFFE)

Now, you give all the interviews

The studios plan for you

You say hello and gladly shmooze

With fans who all adore you

They not only saw your movies

But sought you out onstage

And so it’s clear to everyone

It’s you that’s all the rage

That is a Mother Lode of Fans,

A high-level, a Mother Lode of Fans,

The big box office draw

That knocks ‘em out with awe

A great big Mother Lode of Fans.

It’s gate that shows how much you rate

Keep laughing at all those also-rans

You’re on the top now, mate

‘Cause cash will never date

A great big Mother Lode of Fans

(“Aunt”Fierstein  throwing money at radcliffe and at michael & susan)

Oh the compensation

Such remuneration

Feel the jubilation

Oh, brother -

You, you can see

See, they love you, you

It’s gate that shows how much you rate

The numbers exceeded all their plans

You’re on the top now, mate

‘Cause cash will never date

A great big Mother Lode of Fans

                  ANNOUNCER

Callers are screaming for a number from you, Susan.   Come on, can we give it up for a number for our own Susan?

           SUSAN

No, please, please, please, I couldn’t – well, okay, remain seated, no standing ovation needed.  There is this Lorelei Lee bit I do at parties.  You can sit down, too, I’ll do the number – oh, you work here?

           (starts being Lorelei)

It’s my theory that standing makes people lose track of the cheering and online praising they should be doing.  It’s just the  audience  seems  to  applaud louder  and  more  consistently  when a   standing  O  is  not  involved, but really the most important thing is what you can do on your rear end when you get home – you can spread – what?  You know what I mean -

You can spread - Word of mouth on the internet!

CHATTING IS A SHOW'S BEST FRIEND

Tune  of  DIAMONDS  ARE  A GIRL’S  BEST  FRIEND

An  old  fashioned  hand  may  be  quite  consequential

But  standing is the world’s worst trend

A  hand  that  is  grand  may  make  some  differential

But  as  people  stand,

The  thund’rous  hand  can  sound  less  grand

Give  our  show

A  standing  O

And  the  sound’s  sure to  wander  no  end

The  cheers  tends  to  muffle  from  all  that  kerfuffle

Standing  is  a worthless trend

There  may  come  a  time  for  a  “bravo”  or  “brava”

But  standing  is  the world’s worst  trend

There  may  come  a  time  when  a  cast’s  hot  as  lava

A  volcanic  force,

Shout  til  you’re  hoarse  but  sit  of  course.

I  repeat

Cheer  from  your  seat

If  you  stand  we  may  not  comprehend

Looks may be deceiving, we may think you're leaving

Standing is a worthless trend

Go text your praises

Standing is the world's worst trend

Tweet cheers and bravos

Chatting is a show’s best friend!

A big standing O may be quite ornamental

But chatting is a show's best friend

To stand is a show but my quaint city rental

Costs a thousand plus

So if we fuss, well pardon us

We're no fools

We know the rules

Standing O's don't mean you'll recommend

I  hate  to  be  pushy, just post from  your  tushy

'Cause chatting  is  a show's best  friend!

Don’t  let  our buzz  fade!

Chatting  is  a show's - best - friend

ENCORE

[if the audience seems receptive to a Lauren Bacall "oldie but goodie type song"]

                    

                SUSAN

I just want to do one last update to the tune of APPLAUSE, but having joined an audience in wild entrance applause in Boston stopping Lauren Bacall from singing “Sam Craig, wherever you are” in WOMAN OF THE YEAR.  She sang those first words, we applauded her, she stopped, taking in our cheers, and actually started again.  At least that’s how I remember it years later, and maybe I’m mixing her shows up, but here goes.

          Cast joins her on    HER FLAWS (tune of APPLAUSE),

What is it that I’m clapping for?

Her flaws, her flaws

Nothing at all / Holds me in thrall

Like Betty's flaws

Most singers can share / A note-perfect sound

But I do not care  / When I hear it:

Her happy growl rolls into me / And if it's flat

This is the height / Squeals of delight

Pulsate from right where I’m at –

‘Cause

The star that’s onstage (she moves great)

Looks great for her age (but I love -)

Her flaws! Her flaws! Her flaws!

(big finish)

Charisma to spare / Emotions so true

On entrance it’s there / And I hear it

Why did I join that entrance roar

What was it for?

Nothing I know / Heightens a show

Like Betty starting the score –

‘Cause

The legend's onstage (Can you hear her?)

Again all the rage (The sound of)

Her flaws! Her flaws! Her flaws!

Her flaws! Her flaws! Her flaws!

                

         (EVERYONE - again to HARD TO SAY GOODBYE)

And it's hard to say good night, my love.

Don’t forget to write, my love.

Broadway buzz is really key

And so we beg on bended knee

Got a good show,

That is no lie

But for goodness sake

It’s hard to make them buy

Go write the online chatters

Tell them how you loved us

(Go tell them, tell them you loved us)

-----------------------

THEATER CHATTER

WORKING DRAFT  Dec 2013  (v2)